I’m Posting Again

So much for once a week. And so much for carefully edited well-thought out posts. This evening i was thinking about parenthood. No surprise there. But then, in thinking about our parents, I almost asked Josh what he thought Natan would say about us when he grew up. Whoops. I forgot. Natan will never grow up. He won’t ever get mad, resent us or question our parenting techniques. Finally, I have an advantage. Natan will always be my perfect son.

What will that mean if I have another one?


6 responses to “I’m Posting Again

  1. I remember saying something similar about my daughter who died. We had two living sons at the time of our loss, but our girl twin was our first daughter. The impact of losing our son wasn’t lessened even slightly by the fact that we already had two sons, but I did mourn differently (not more) the loss of what was then my only daughter. I remember saying to a friend that at least she would never hate me, or slam her bedroom door, or sneak out to see a boy etc… she would always be my perfect girl. Of course even at the time I knew I would trade eternal perfection, for earthly imperfection in a heartbeat.

  2. I imagine that one (which I’m using in place of “you” so there’s no misunderstanding) might feel that a future child, especially one of the same sex, somehow was the lost child.

    Of course, every baby is unique and irreplacable, but I can certainly see myself projecting backwards, thinking “this is what my daughter would have been like if she had lived”

  3. I think you’re right Niobe. With Natan, Josh and I didn’t know his gender and hadn’t decided on names until I went on hospital bedrest. We’d wanted it to be a surprise, but once it all became so tenuous, I decided I want to know a bit more about the baby I was fighting for. For my next pregnancy, I don’t want any surprises. I’ll want to find out the gender, so I can think about a real person, a son or a daughter, who is not my lost child.

  4. Some advantage. (And I don’t mean that in a cruelly sarcastic way.) I know what you mean. Among all the things my son will never do, he will never hate me or reject me or break my heart intentionally.

    And like Lori said, I’d trade that perfection for imperfection here on earth in a heartbeat.

    Niobe – I’m pregnant now, with another boy. I’m constantly afraid that I will project too much on him the feelings/hopes/etc. I had for my Piglet. It sounds silly, but one of my biggest fears for this baby (once we get past the whole please-don’t-let-him-be-another-preemie fears) is that he’ll look too much like his lost brother. I’m not sure how I would respond to that, emotionally.

  5. I go back and forth about this. I try not to think about how different it would be to raise my dead daughters as opposed to my living sons. They have right to be whoever they want to be, without me projecting my neurosis on them, but geeez it’s hard.
    Maybe try to picture Natan doing something “not-so-perfect”? Not sure….

  6. Natan will always be your perfect son, and you and Josh will always be his perfect parents.

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