I am, apparently, pregnant. I started to suspect two weeks ago. I got confirmation a week ago, last Friday morning. But I didn’t believe it. The second line was really faint, so I thought, oh, this is a dud. I told Josh about the faint line, but I insisted that it was probably a mistake. I took another one Sunday morning, the day my period would have really been due if my body was back to a 28-day cycle. Another second faint line. I still expected my period to just show up. By Tuesday it hadn’t, so I tried another brand. This time, a dark second line. Wednesday, darker. I know it sounds totally crazy that I would refuse to believe so many tests. It’s not an “accident,” I know I’m fertile. Dr. M had said that he would think it’s okay to try after two or three cycles, so we just stopped not trying. But for some reason, I just didn’t expect it would happen. I felt like my body is crazy enough, why wouldn’t it just decide to throw some secondary infertility into the mix? I, in fact, decided I wouldn’t even write about it on my blog before 10-12 weeks, since it’s probably going to be a miscarriage, and I would like to go on denying it anyway. But then I went through the week numb, unless I was actually thinking about being pregnant, and then I’m a crying heap.
I know many women out there would love to be able to get pregnant during any cycle. And if this one ends with a living baby, I’ll be over the moon. If it ends tragically, I don’t think I’ll be any more of a mess than I would have been had it happened a year later. So I guess I’m “lucky,” relative to many women in this sad blogland. No one needs to say congratulations or feel happy for me.
I have my first ultrasound on Wednesday. That’ll be a difficult event, since it’s quite possible that even if the pregnancy is still viable, a heartbeat won’t show up yet.
As for how I’m feeling, well, I’m gagging all the time and peeing like crazy (that was the first tip off when one day two weeks ago I went to the bathroom six times in a few hours). My back is hurting alot, which freaks me out, since it’s of course a symptom of both pregnancy and miscarriage. And I was having lots of twingy feelings in my cervix, but that seems to have gone away. When I told the nurse about the weirdness in my cervix, she didn’t seem to understand.
Talking to the nurses at my doctor’s office is bringing up some anger I didn’t realize I had. I don’t blame anyone for what happened. But I remember how in the weeks before I went into full blown pre-term labor, I called the office multiple times saying I didn’t feel right, I felt like the contractions were too strong to be Braxton Hicks. I couldn’t even get them to talk to Dr. M about anything unless I cried, even though he assured us he wanted us to call anytime. So I’m thinking that I need to find a different doctor, because as much as I trust him, I cannot handle the nurses. Would you believe when I called to make an appointment, the nurse scheduled me for May 23rd?
I got really upset about that, and immediately started working on going to a different office. But then apparently the doctor learned I’d called, so I got a call back with an ultrasound appointment for Wednesday. I also don’t like that the nurse sounded dubious when I said my cervix felt weird. I just cannot handle anything less than total order and attention to any concerns I have, and I realize I’ve lost trust in them. I’m keeping the appointment though, because I can’t imagine I’ll get in to another doctor before then.
Emily already figured this out on her own, but anyone else that I know in real life, I’m not talking about it. And I probably won’t mention it much on my blog until it seems I’ve made it into the second trimester at least.