Confession, Confusion

I am, apparently, pregnant. I started to suspect two weeks ago. I got confirmation a week ago, last Friday morning. But I didn’t believe it. The second line was really faint, so I thought, oh, this is a dud. I told Josh about the faint line, but I insisted that it was probably a mistake. I took another one Sunday morning, the day my period would have really been due if my body was back to a 28-day cycle. Another second faint line. I still expected my period to just show up. By Tuesday it hadn’t, so I tried another brand. This time, a dark second line. Wednesday, darker. I know it sounds totally crazy that I would refuse to believe so many tests. It’s not an “accident,” I know I’m fertile. Dr. M had said that he would think it’s okay to try after two or three cycles, so we just stopped not trying. But for some reason, I just didn’t expect it would happen. I felt like my body is crazy enough, why wouldn’t it just decide to throw some secondary infertility into the mix? I, in fact, decided I wouldn’t even write about it on my blog before 10-12 weeks, since it’s probably going to be a miscarriage, and I would like to go on denying it anyway. But then I went through the week numb, unless I was actually thinking about being pregnant, and then I’m a crying heap.

I know many women out there would love to be able to get pregnant during any cycle. And if this one ends with a living baby, I’ll be over the moon. If it ends tragically, I don’t think I’ll be any more of a mess than I would have been had it happened a year later. So I guess I’m “lucky,” relative to many women in this sad blogland. No one needs to say congratulations or feel happy for me.

I have my first ultrasound on Wednesday. That’ll be a difficult event, since it’s quite possible that even if the pregnancy is still viable, a heartbeat won’t show up yet.

As for how I’m feeling, well, I’m gagging all the time and peeing like crazy (that was the first tip off when one day two weeks ago I went to the bathroom six times in a few hours). My back is hurting alot, which freaks me out, since it’s of course a symptom of both pregnancy and miscarriage. And I was having lots of twingy feelings in my cervix, but that seems to have gone away. When I told the nurse about the weirdness in my cervix, she didn’t seem to understand.

Talking to the nurses at my doctor’s office is bringing up some anger I didn’t realize I had. I don’t blame anyone for what happened. But I remember how in the weeks before I went into full blown pre-term labor, I called the office multiple times saying I didn’t feel right, I felt like the contractions were too strong to be Braxton Hicks. I couldn’t even get them to talk to Dr. M about anything unless I cried, even though he assured us he wanted us to call anytime. So I’m thinking that I need to find a different doctor, because as much as I trust him, I cannot handle the nurses. Would you believe when I called to make an appointment, the nurse scheduled me for May 23rd?

I got really upset about that, and immediately started working on going to a different office. But then apparently the doctor learned I’d called, so I got a call back with an ultrasound appointment for Wednesday. I also don’t like that the nurse sounded dubious when I said my cervix felt weird. I just cannot handle anything less than total order and attention to any concerns I have, and I realize I’ve lost trust in them. I’m keeping the appointment though, because I can’t imagine I’ll get in to another doctor before then.

Emily already figured this out on her own, but anyone else that I know in real life, I’m not talking about it. And I probably won’t mention it much on my blog until it seems I’ve made it into the second trimester at least.

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14 responses to “Confession, Confusion

  1. Wow. I know that congratulations is a touchy word for those of us who have suffered such losses. But regardless of the outcome, you are carrying a tiny life inside of you and to me that is something to honor.

    I highly recommend seeing a high-risk specialist (perinatologist). I went for a pre-ttc consultation a few months ago and am so glad I did. She reviewed all of my records prior to my visit and spent the entire time with me talking everything out and outlining the plan for when I am indeed pregnant again. As much as I hadn’t expected it, she actually made me feel much more optimistic about future pregnancies. And the receptionists and nurses were much more sensitive than at the OB’s office.

    Blog about this as much as you need to. I know it wasn’t necessarily part of your intended reason to blog, but I do think it could be good for you.

    ((((hugs))))

  2. Sara-

    I didn’t want to hear any “congratulations” when I first became pregnant after losing my twins. I didn’t tell anyone except my sister for a long time, and then I made her tell our parents for me. I wanted to believe more than anything that my pregnancy would end happily, but I couldn’t handle the word “congratulations” because to me it implied it was a done deal, and I knew it wasn’t. So, I understand your reticence.

    The word I eventually became comfortable using and hearing was “hopeful.” When people would say to me, “oh, you must be so excited/happy/thrilled etc…” I would always give a small smile and answer, “We are very hopeful.” For me, that conveyed that we were indeed very invested in this new life, we wanted this baby, we were excited about the prospect, but we were also afraid, and anxious, and even sad.

    So, let me say, that I am so very, very hopeful for you and this new life.

  3. I am going to say congratulations on a positive pregnancy test! The reason? Because I got through my high-risk subsequent pregnancy by repeating over and over again, “Today I am pregnant, and I will be happy about it, tomorrow will take care of tommorrow, but for today, at this exact moment I will be happy.”

    It did not change the medical outcome one bit, but it kept me sane and calm and functioning. As for announcing too early, if you don’t tell anyone, and something sad does happen, OR it’s all good but you feel stressed, there will be no-one to support you. Which isn’t very good either.

    Basilbean’s idea is a good one, (& maybe let the Doc know about the nurses) and I hope you do blog about this pregnancy. I’ll be checking in on you more often as well. Your last posts never even showed up on my bloglines! Sorry!

  4. I would like to add my congratulations on your pregnancy as well. I am hopeful for you and your husband that this will be all that that you hope for and more. I am sure that your feelings are all over the map at any given moment. Lots of changes coming in a short period of time. Wishing you much happiness Sara!

  5. Thanks all. You know what’s the worst part about the doctor? He IS a high-risk specialist! He’s with the university here, so he has to have a portion of his practice dedicated to the university community. So the best part was I could move from what were supposed to be “normal” pregnancies, to this high risk one with a doctor who personally knows my history. I’m currently trying to get in with a doctor who treated me in the hospital that I trusted very much.

    I plan to tell him why I’m changing doctors.

  6. I will echo Lori and say “I am hopeful for you.” And keeping all of my appendages crossed.
    And mad at the nurses in your doctor’s office. I just blogged about how much I love my OB, but I should’ve probably added how much I love his nurse too.
    You deserve to have a team that is dedicated to your well-being. Simple as that. So I am also crossing my appendages for a successful doctor switch. I’ll be thinking of you.

  7. I suppose some might consider it too early to call you “mom”?

  8. Sara, I understand about the congratulations too. But this is the first necessary step, so (whispered) congratulations! (whisper still comes with exclamation mark!)

    Have you tried talking to your doctor about the crappy nurses? If you like him and it’s only the nurses who are crap, he could probably have a word with them and tell them to treat your calls more sensitively and seriously. I don’t see why he wouldn’t do that if he already said you could feel free to call him.

    Lots of hugs.

  9. I really like the idea of going to a high risk specialist OB. You deserve a high level of attention to give you the proper support.

    I want so much to become pregnant again, and yet I am terrified of going through another loss. Truly terrified.

    And, if you blog about it here, I think it will not only help you to express yourself, but it will help us out here who feel similar. But do what you need to do for you, OK?

  10. Sara, b’sha’a tova! (You know, I figure, that this is a hope for a good horoscope?)

    I am happy for you, and holding my breath with you, and hoping that the staff at the new doctor’s office are better about getting it.

    Leroy, I considered it too early to call me mom until the baby was born, even though it’s common practice for childbirth providers and educators.

  11. Hugs to you, Sara. I can only imagine how scary (though also how incredibly hopeful) this must be. Don’t be afraid to ask for whatever you need from the doctors — helping you deliver a healthy baby at the right time is their job.

  12. Sara, congratulations. As hard as it may be, enjoy what you can of the pregnancy. I’m actually 6 weeks along, so I understand a lot of what you posted. I did change OBs, but am still dubious about the new one. When I went in for the pre-conception appt, she was not very helpful. Then I went in again because I knew I was pregnant and even that appt was messed up. I’ll probably blog about it, so I’ll spare you the specifics here.

    We’ve already started to tell people, like my fiance’s family and a few friends. At first, we were going to wait. For me, that first trimester mark isn’t a safety point.

    Take care of yourself and don’t worry until there’s something to worry about. Keep blogging. You will be in my thoughts.

  13. Holy mackerel! That was a total shocker! See what happens when i don’t look at your blog for a few days! Sheesh, talk about being in space. I was reading your post above and then i’m like, wait, what, huh? LOL

    For what it’s worth, i am feeling happy and optimistic for you….so i will say congratulations! With the understanding that that means ‘congratulations you are pregnant today’, and not any impliciation to the future.

    Yeah, i personally didn’t talk much about my current pg on the blog until i was much later along, and IRL i don’t talk about it if i can possibly avoid it.

    I love my OB but occasionally have some difficulty with the receptionists/staff also. I think this just comes with the territory — if you do trust this specialist, maybe talk to him about the nurses before switching. I found that the most difficulty is in the beginning, once the office staff all know who you are, it is much easier.

  14. “I found that the most difficulty is in the beginning, once the office staff all know who you are, it is much easier.”

    Kate, you know what’s (not) funny about that? I’ve been seeing this doctor for a year now!

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