But I can’t get it out. It’s stuck in my head along with whatever substances cause a stuffy nose/head, cough, and endless fits of sneezing. I wouldn’t normally whine so much over feeling sick, but normally I also would be able to take something to relieve the symptoms and I wouldn’t be obsessively trying to believe my rational knowledge that a cold will not kill an embryo. I did crack and take Tylenol (I wouldn’t take anything in my last two pregnancies) on Friday night when I saw the numbers 101.2 on the thermometer. I called the doctor’s answering service which transferred me to a nurse at the hospital who cheerfully told me, “Well, take a Tylenol, there’ s nothing we can do for someone so early in her pregnancy!” Thanks for rubbing that in woman. I was following instructions to call about a fever over 101 and instead got a reminder that my baby and I don’t matter yet.
I’m being overly dramatic. She wasn’t wrong. I knew even as I dialed the number that that would be the response, but I wanted to be careful. And my temp did go back down to normal with one pill. I just hate that I’ve spent 6 out of the last 12 months in the first trimester of one or the other of three pregnancies. I’ve been told “it’s still so early” so many times. I’m sick of hearing those words and would like them banished.
For some reason “so early” reminded me of how many times nurses in the hospital (usually when having to manipulate my body in some way), expressed that I was “so tiny.” I’m not, and wasn’t, “tiny.” I’m smaller than the average, but the average in this country is too big, so I guess maybe in the medical field, where they must deal with big so often, I appeared to be tiny. But every time someone said it, I wondered if she meant something ironic by it. And I didn’t like at all that it felt like some sort of compliment.
I can’t formulate a dissertation-quality thought, much less a sentence on a computer screen, so instead I’m on the couch (next to a nice open sunny window) sporadically reading the New York Times. I thought maybe some television might be nice, but there’s nothing on. I thought the $12 extra per month special rate we pay for cable TV in addition to the internet guaranteed me Law & Order, House, or Monk marathons on weekends? Apparently that’s a myth. Because all I’m getting is Jim Carrey and a Lifetime movie starring either the girl from Life Goes On or Growing Pains, I can’t remember who was who.
I did watch two excellent films on DVD, Wisconsin Death Trip and Trekkies. As well as one of my favorite crap movies, Dodgeball. If I could breathe, I would take a nap.