I had a different post in mind

But I can’t get it out. It’s stuck in my head along with whatever substances cause a stuffy nose/head, cough, and endless fits of sneezing. I wouldn’t normally whine so much over feeling sick, but normally I also would be able to take something to relieve the symptoms and I wouldn’t be obsessively trying to believe my rational knowledge that a cold will not kill an embryo. I did crack and take Tylenol (I wouldn’t take anything in my last two pregnancies) on Friday night when I saw the numbers 101.2 on the thermometer. I called the doctor’s answering service which transferred me to a nurse at the hospital who cheerfully told me, “Well, take a Tylenol, there’ s nothing we can do for someone so early in her pregnancy!” Thanks for rubbing that in woman. I was following instructions to call about a fever over 101 and instead got a reminder that my baby and I don’t matter yet.

I’m being overly dramatic. She wasn’t wrong. I knew even as I dialed the number that that would be the response, but I wanted to be careful. And my temp did go back down to normal with one pill. I just hate that I’ve spent 6 out of the last 12 months in the first trimester of one or the other of three pregnancies. I’ve been told “it’s still so early” so many times. I’m sick of hearing those words and would like them banished.

For some reason “so early” reminded me of how many times nurses in the hospital (usually when having to manipulate my body in some way), expressed that I was “so tiny.” I’m not, and wasn’t, “tiny.” I’m smaller than the average, but the average in this country is too big, so I guess maybe in the medical field, where they must deal with big so often, I appeared to be tiny. But every time someone said it, I wondered if she meant something ironic by it. And I didn’t like at all that it felt like some sort of compliment.

I can’t formulate a dissertation-quality thought, much less a sentence on a computer screen, so instead I’m on the couch (next to a nice open sunny window) sporadically reading the New York Times. I thought maybe some television might be nice, but there’s nothing on. I thought the $12 extra per month special rate we pay for cable TV in addition to the internet guaranteed me Law & Order, House, or Monk marathons on weekends? Apparently that’s a myth. Because all I’m getting is Jim Carrey and a Lifetime movie starring either the girl from Life Goes On or Growing Pains, I can’t remember who was who.

I did watch two excellent films on DVD, Wisconsin Death Trip and Trekkies. As well as one of my favorite crap movies, Dodgeball. If I could breathe, I would take a nap.

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7 responses to “I had a different post in mind

  1. Sara…you are so funny even when you don’t try to be and I hope you aren’t offended by me saying that. I do hope your cold subsides and you can nap as the southerly winds here are heavenly right now. My mind is in neutral too, so will probably just watch some Law & Order later tonight. U take care of yourself young lady! 🙂

  2. I’ve spent 6 out of the last 12 months in the first trimester of one or the other of three pregnancies.

    This really sounds horrific. Not only the “too early” part, but the feeling you must have of having your life repeat itself over and over again. Kinda like groundhog’s day. Hope you feel better soon and that the first trimester starts to fast forward itself.

  3. I actually always want to be funny. It’s when I’m not at all that I’ve failed.

    Niobe’s captured the feeling exactly right – a crueler colder darker version of a 1990s hit movie. Please please please let this be the last and successful run through.

  4. Sara, I am so sorry– this just has to be a special kind of hell. When you posted about the miscarriage, I figured it was a pretty bad year, but didn’t get just how much of it was spent in the stupid “too early” stage.
    May this be the one that ends with a live take home baby.
    Oh, and I hope the cold moves out swiftly.

  5. Sara- I actually had a woman tell me after losing our twins, “I’m not surprised- you’re so little!” How on earth was I not supposed to take that as an implication of guilt on my part? And like you, I’m NOT that little!

    Like niobe and julia, your comment about your number of pregnancies in the last 12 months struck me too. I am so sorry you have yet to see the end of a third trimester, and of course bring home a living, healthy baby. I am also sorry you are not feeling well.

    Hang in there. One day at a time.

  6. Well, one day at a time, yes, but let’s be realistic about the pharmaceuticals. I’ve told a bunch of bloggers about this now.

    http://www.motherisk.org/index.jsp

    This is a site for checking out which drugs are safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding. They have loads of info on the web, or you can call them or check out the book by Dr. Gideon Koren. Amazon will have it.

    Now, go take some cold medicine, because I believe this will be the very LAST Groundhog Day run through for you two. JMO.

  7. A House marathon! Now that would be awesome!

    I’m still thinking about a previous post. I want to know what it is that we could be doing to prevent tragedies like the one at VT. It isn’t obvious to me that there’s anything to be done. Talk of further gun control honestly seems like so much bombast to me; what needs to change, in my opinion, is our culture. Michael Moore (the filmmaker) made great hay about the difference between Canadians and Americans wrt to guns and locking of front doors (a comparison which I’m quite certain was absurdly exaggerated), but there probably is a kernel of truth there, somewhere. People in this country simply need to become nicer. No joke.

    I wonder if fixing our educational system would help.

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