Crying Foul

Holy crap I am in a foul mood today. Yesterday sucked. I got myself over to a new coffee shop to work, and no sooner ordered my decaf tea and sat down that I needed to go to the bathroom. And what do I see? Some sort of discharge, not clear, not white, not really sure at all what it was. So I went home, called the doctor. Everything still looks good, numbers from the blood tests are great, but my cervix is irritated. Probably nothing to worry about, just a normal occurrence during early pregnancy, especially a subsequent one. But I need to take it easy and watch for any changes. There was only one episode of the discharge, nothing since about noon yesterday, but of course the day was ruined. I laid on the couch the rest of the day, watching downloaded Ugly Betty episodes and feeling very pissed off and sorry for myself. I don’t really know how much easier I can take it than simply walking up the street unless I am going to be basically on bed rest.

So today I’m at home, and just now I look out the window and what do I see? An obviously pregnant woman jogging to the Y down the street. Where she’ll probably join the other pregnant woman Josh saw a while back doing abdominal exercises. Yes, side bends, with weights in her hands. What the hell? The world is so d**n unfair.

And I’m pissed off because I’ll be 30 on Saturday. And I remember wondering in December, when I finally started to believe I really would be having a baby, whether I’d be able to time things well enough to have a drink on my 30th. Apparently not. I was pregnant on my 29th birthday, and really happy. Somebody please tell me this upcoming 31st year won’t be quite so horrendous? And that next year, for 31, I won’t be feeling quite so wretched.

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9 responses to “Crying Foul

  1. The world is so unfair. I hope everything is okay. I feel bad sometimes for just laying around, but maybe that’s what our bodies need right now. Breathe deep.

  2. Well, I sure would like to be able to tell you that but I also know there isn’t any comfort in empty assurances and hollow promises. BUT, there is a darn good chance your next birthday will be a happier one.

    This is a very hard time for you for so many reasons. Your loss of Natan is really so very, very recent and any pregnancy after a loss is always stressful even under the best of circumstances. I know it isn’t easy to be in a foul mood, but you have earned it. Maybe you just need to hole up and be grumpy and mad at the world today. It’s okay if you do.

  3. I am very hopeful that your next birthday will be better.

    And yes, this is very unfair, and it sucks to see these oblivious women jogging and doing all sorts of exercises. And it is very hard to accept.

    The hardest part may be knowing that even if we do every little thing right, we may still loose in the same horrible way we once lost. For you, it’s the unpredictable cervix. For me, it’s the stupid knots. The best we can do is to do all we can, and hope for the best. And that is truly terrifying.

    Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Do you think that it would be helpful?

  4. Ouch, discharge can be such a mindfuck…and really, it is so normal during pg, during TTC, during our whole lives. Yet, here we sit endlessly staring at our underwear and tp.

    Sometimes I feel like I do nothing but think about my vagina. Which isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds!

  5. Aurelia, thank you so much for making me laugh. Even worse is how much I now write about it in public.

    Thanks everyone else – I haven’t seen anything else of interest today, so I’m calming down. But it’s just so hard not to be worried all the time.

  6. Hang in there. Feel what you have to feel.

    I am crossing my fingers for you that next Cinco de Mayo/birthday, you will be toasting to something good.

  7. LeRoy Dissing

    As a guy, you feel so helpless because there is very little you can do cuz whatever you do at times like this you can’t do it right! Hope you are feeling better Sara!!!

  8. Hang in there, Sara. I hope your birthday ends up being enjoyable in some way. Thinking of you.

  9. It is totally unfair that pregnancy seems to be so easy for some women. Please let me know if there is anything you need or anything I can do to help out (or alleviate boredom) while you are “taking it easy.” And your next birthday has to be better — you have earned it!

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