The Conversation

You’ll notice that while I felt like my annoyance at my relative yesterday wasn’t fair, I didn’t say anything about the old friend. Now I feel doubly justified. While a subsequent conversation with the relative was very warm and nice, and affirmed my feelings, the conversation with the friend was really bad, but also affirmed my feelings.

[The following was preceded by conversation-opening small chat]
Me: So, I don’t want to preempt your news, but I guessed it during a conversation with my sister. I was going to try to pretend to be surprised, but I’m bad at that – so instead of being awkward I’ll just say right off congratulations and I’m really genuinely happy for you.
Her: Oh well that annoys me! I was so excited to tell you myself.
Me: Well, sorry about that, she really didn’t mean to give it away. She just said I should call you back right away and I guessed why. Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant when I told you I was, and that I was scheduled for my cerclage and all?
Her [immediately gets angry/short with me-what’s that about?]: D and I talked about it and we decided we weren’t telling anyone until after our 3 month appointment. It’s our choice. I asked him if I could tell you while we were on the phone and he said no.
Me [quickly deciding I wasn’t going to confess my feelings to someone who immediately snaps at me]: Oh, well, how’d the appointment go? I’m sure it was exciting to see the baby on the ultrasound machine.
Her: Yes, it took them a few seconds to see the heartbeat and we were so scared. You know, that’s why we wanted to keep it a secret, because we know so many people who’ve lost babies lately. And that’s how E found out she’d miscarried hers.
Me: Um, that’s how I found out we’d miscarried our first baby.
Her: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Our babies are going to be so close together! (giddily)
Me: Yeah, well, um, I want to tell you that while I am genuinely very happy for you, it is difficult for me to think about other women’s pregnancies.
Her: Oh, well, you would feel that way, of course, and [gets off into detailing her lack of morning sickness, etc.]

I think you all get the drift of the conversation. Mind you this person is not only my oldest friend, but her mom and my mom are close friends. Our parents have been back-yard neighbors since we moved into the house when I was two years old. This is a 28-year relationship. She said not a word about my cerclage, asked not a single question about how I was feeling. And I get the distinct feeling that my pain is an unwelcome blot on her happiness.

I need to remember she’s only one of many people in my life, and really the only person I have to deal with who is insensitive. But why, among all the people in the world, does she have to be such a toad?

I am so glad my sister ruined her happy announcement, because I don’t know how I could have handled that conversation without preparation. It was so superficial, but at least I had my hysterics over it among people who care.

16 responses to “The Conversation

  1. Sometimes friends CAN suck…oh well. Maybe she is trying very hard, and just doesn’t know quite what to say, so her foot goes in her mouth instead?

  2. Oh, Aurelia, that reflects just how kind and generous of a friend you are. She is not. Seriously. Apparently she called her mom to complain about how I ruined her night. Screw it. I’m done with her.

  3. Andria and Co.

    She sounds like a fair-weather friend. Sometimes you have to clean house, so to speak, and get rid of the toxic people in your life. It hurts… but in the end, sometimes it’s for the best. 😦

  4. Not that you need further “evidence” or whatever in your favor, but I think you didn’t stress how incredibly casual and friendly you were on the phone. I was fooled into thinking that you were actually enjoying talking to her throughout much of the conversation.

  5. LeRoy Dissing

    Your friend is pretty into herself that she can’t see beyond her nose. I think some good boundaries are needed on this relationship if it is going to survive, especially now with both of you being pregnant. Maybe come back to it later…maybe not.

  6. YOU ruined HER night? I know you don’t want to hear the n-word, but she sounds just a bit narcissistic…

  7. OK, seriously, that has got to be one of the most selfish, self-centered, bitchy things I have ever heard! You ruined her night…amazing!

    I’m sorry your friend turned out to be a toad. If it helps at all, I had to cut one of my own toads loose a while back. I wish things had been different, but I’m pretty happy knowing I don’t have to wait for her next “episode” as it concerns me.


  8. Excuse me while I say WTF????
    You ruined her night? She forgot?
    Done with her is right.

    And Josh, I have suspected for a long time that your wife is way too nice. Really, way too nice.

    Hahha– my verification is OMGTMS… wonder what tms stands for? too much sweetness, I say 🙂

  9. What. A. Freaking. Idiot. Actually, that’s probably being far too generous. I’d love to see someone point out to her how selfish and insensitive she’s being, but, somehow, I doubt it would make a dent in her extreme self-absorbtion.

    I’m just sooo sorry that you ruined her night

  10. ugh. toadly. i’m sorry she acted that way. just b/c you’re pg doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly ok with everyone’s pregnancies and that you’re ‘done’ with your grief. she sooo doesn’t get it and never will.

  11. I am so sorry. Narcissism does seem to fit here. That’s how those ladies seemed to react to my comments – like my loss or grief was imposing on their happiness. An annoyance. It turns out, for both of us!

    I hope she figures out that SHE will miss YOUR friendship. What a dork.

  12. Ditto to everything previously said. You are way too good a person to have a friend like this. Sending a hug your way.

  13. Ugh, she sounds like the type who thinks your pain might be contagious. You get top marks for handling the conversation with grace, though.

    And I’m sorry to hear about your son (I’m a new reader). I hope that this pregnancy goes well for you.

  14. Aw Sara, this woman just sucks. Every comment so far has had me nodding along.

    It sounds to me like you are better off not expending any more energy towards the toad.

  15. Thanks all. I was really feeling so terrible, hardly slept the night before yesterday and woke up in the morning feeling like hell. But, then, as the day went on, I had a good doctor’s appointment, talked to a genuinely wonderful friend, and eventually felt better.

    Today I feel great. I feel like I broke up with a bad boyfriend. I didn’t realize, actually, how much stress my relationship with her had caused me over the past few years (because this episode was just the culmination of a lot of unpleasantness). I feel so good thinking I don’t have to tolerate it anymore.

  16. Oh, and Decemberbaby, welcome, and congratulations to you as well!

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