to think of a title today.
Warning: long long post
I’m getting really frightened. Last week I was so excited, certain that this really could work out – that I really could bring home a real live baby. Today, though, I feel terrified, and teary. And I’ve had awful dreams. One where I dreamt about the baby dying and then going to sleep afterwards, so that when I really woke up, I had this terrifying moment of thinking it had been real. I feel like that encapsulates every day – even as every day means we get closer to safety, it’s paired with a heightening terror as we get closer and closer to the time Natan died.
Tuesday will be 6 months. It’s hard for me to think of January 3 as his birthday because I wish he hadn’t been born that day. I’m so sad I can’t even bring myself to write about my feelings surrounding him.
I know that I’m angry because even as we have wonderful people around us, supporting us, there are people who should be who are not just absent, but making things worse for us. Every day I wake up with an emptiness that not even having the best husband, mom, mother-in-law, friends, brother-in-law, sister, can get rid of. And I’m so angry that there are people who expect so much from us despite the fact that our son is dead, buried.
A relative visited yesterday. While he was here, he insisted that we take pictures and I complied even though honestly I felt like such a fake, a liar smiling for photos. He told us he was the one responsible for telling the rest of (that side) of the family how we’re doing, how we’ve “fallen off the radar,” how when they ask he tells them we’re “doing great.” I responded tensely that we do have a phone number, it’s not as if any of them have been calling us and not getting their phone calls returned. Thing is, I know how that side of the family works – the younger relatives are responsible for calling the older. But I don’t care. We’re not living in the regular order of things right now. And we’re not “doing great” and it pisses me off to think that they can comfort themselves with that thought because they won’t pick up the damn phone and figure it out for themselves, and that somehow we’re to blame for being “off the radar.” I later slipped when talking with Josh about how much this comment annoyed me by saying he’d said we’d “fallen off the totem pole.” Anyone else think of Freud at that? And now Josh is depressed about it and I’m even angrier at them than I was before.
I spend a lot of my time calling back the people who’ve cared enough to call me, or emailing those who’ve emailed. And it seems that in the past two weeks I’ve spent a lot of time defending us to those same people who’ve heard from others that we’re out of touch. All I have to say to that is what kind of an ass tries to make two grieving parents look like the negligent ones?