Yesterday was okay. It was a really busy day, so I didn’t have much time for wallowing. I seem to have done that on Monday. The anticipation of it is as bad as the date itself.

We did go to the cemetery. Natan’s grave is still a patch of bare dirt at the highest point in the baby section, so it gets a lot of sun. I chose the spot for that reason. It’s also right next to our synagogue’s section, and I liked that he will be among older and past members. It also makes me feel more confident that after we inevitably have to move away from this town, the rabbi won’t forget to visit Natan’s grave when he visits all the graves of former members – something he told us he does periodically when I expressed worry about his grave being unattended after we leave. Or that when people go to visit their family’s graves, they’ll see his and say a little prayer for him.

I almost cried a few times, but when a friend called in the early evening – and I assume it must have been because she remembered the date but we didn’t mention it – I was almost cheerful. I was wrapped up in work because I have a conference deadline looming.

And then when I went to sleep, I fought the memories of Natan’s delivery. I just don’t need to rework that over and over and over again.


5 responses to “Yesterday

  1. It’s nice that you got to pick Natan’s spot. They picked ours for us. And it’s nice that the rabbi will look after the grave for you.

    Work. I can’t decide whether it’s good or bad to have loads of it. In any case, I have to finish a report today, so I will probly be working all day.

    May this be a better day.

  2. Glad you were able to make it through yesterday. I cannot imagine what you were going through.

    Natan does have a lot of good people with him out there and you picked out a great spot for him. One of our friends, Ed P., is in the synagogue’s section and I am sure is keeping Natan company. Ed had three kids of his own.

    It makes you feel any better, I also believe that my late mother is watching over Natan. She really loved infants.

  3. LeRoy Dissing

    I am glad you can share these memories Sara. I have been told that it takes a person at least a 1,000 reruns of a traumatic event in their head before they can start to integrate that experience. I am not sure if there is ever any resolution this side of heaven.

  4. It sounds like a not-terrible day. Which, I guess, is about as much as you can hope for.

    I really like the thought that you know that there will be people visiting Natan’s grave even after you move away. Long before I lost the twins, I would visit cemetaries and linger beside the graves of babies and children, thinking about them and praying for them.

  5. I am glad the day was not too bad for you. I also find the anticipation is often worse than the actual day (though not in all cases).

    I am glad you were able to pick Natan’s spot as well.

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