Dammit

So I’ve not been in the best of moods the past few days, and I think Lori pointed to why in her blog. A post on Neonatal Doc’s blog about statistics for 24-28 weekers. Don’t go to it. And Lori, don’t worry, I saw it and felt crappy before you you posted about it. Just what I needed, a reminder of how just a few tiny details could have been different. Most of what I encounter in blogland is good, but some of it is bad bad bad for me.

So where are we now? Waiting for Josh to get out of the shower so we can go to the doctor’s so I can find out how things are going. I think I’m going to tell her that my anxiety has been through the roof of late – not sure if we need to have weekly rather than biweekly appointments but I do know that it’s at about day 10 past our last visit that I begin to go insane. Wondering if the baby’s alive, wondering if my cervix has shortened, wondering if that discharge is normal or amniotic fluid. And, no, I have no REASON for these fears, other than that my personal history has given me no reason to be confident.

But despite all this, I was more productive Sunday and yesterday than I have been in months. I finally finished the freaking maps and conference paper. I didn’t tell you all how I spent much of last fall working on organizing a panel for a big conference which I was hoping would launch my job search. Most conferences aren’t a big deal, but I really wanted this one to be. Well, my panel got accepted but guess who’s not going? Dr. K and I agreed awhile back that the stress of traveling right now, during a big “anniversary” and physically vulnerable period would just be too much. I know we were right, but I am sort of frustrated that my friend and colleague Beecher will be reading my paper for me. At least he can do that. But I found the two panelists, I thought of the way to frame our papers together, I wrote the panel proposal, and I sent the stuff of. I really feel like it’s “my panel” but oh well. And my adviser was the first to suggest that it wouldn’t make enough of a difference for me to be there to add the stress of traveling to my current levels. Ah well.

Off we go.

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3 responses to “Dammit

  1. Oh, that conference thing sucks. I bet you were also looking forward to the discussion with the other panelists, to answering questions, to feeling “damn, I am smart.” Sorry.

    About the anxiety levels… do you think it would help to have a dopler at home? I never had one, but I am planning on renting one when/if I get to the second trimester again. I feel like the reassurance would be good to have. Sorry if I am talking out of my ass, though.

  2. Ah, renting the dopler might be a good idea and I’ve thought of it, but the nurses and Dr. K have a heck of a time still getting the heartbeat (see new post). Given that, I think it might be anxiety-producing. And yeah, I am also sad to miss out on the discussion at the conference. Oh well. Such is life. There will be more academic events.

  3. Big bummer on the conference. I planned a symposium in April and I know I would have been extremely disappointed if I could not have gone.

    Hang in there with the anxiety. Glad you have a doctor who is willing to take the time to find the heartbeat and reassure you.

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