Thursday Already?

For the sake of my sanity, it’s great to have the weeks pass quickly. For the sake of work, not so good.

So last week’s high over the painless progesterone was entirely shot by this week’s experience. My butt still hurts. Georgia, the nurse from last week, was careful to choose a soft spot, while this nurse just jammed it in and must have hit a muscle or something because I feel like someone kicked me HARD. If I were more assertive, I’d request never to have her do it again, but I worry too much about hurting people’s feelings or getting them in trouble. The best I can probably do will be to tell the doctor at the next appointment how much it hurt the second time, without suggesting a reason….It was in the left cheek this time and the last two nights I haven’t been able to sleep on my left side very well at all.

Wanna Be Mom asked in a comment a few days back whether being pregnant again helps me feel less jealous of other pregnant women, and whether people in my life think I must be okay now that I’m pregnant again. I can’t answer the latter question very well. It seems like people who think I should be all better by now would think that regardless of my current pregnant state. Because the people who understood our devastation six months ago understand now – or at least they’re trying. My world is very small. I don’t work outside the house and I have considerable control over who I see and talk to. And I seem to be very blessed in my circle of friends and family. There are a few outliers, but that’s it. And if people are uncomfortable with my grief, those I confide in are certainly doing their best to work through it.

Yesterday a good friend and I got on the subject of ultrasounds and “natural” pregnancy. She mentioned a woman who feels that ultrasounds are too invasive so she’d refused them during her pregnancy – that they upset the baby. She determined this after her first ultrasound, the one used to determine whether a pregnancy is intra-uterine rather than ectopic. We both thought that sounded ridiculous, the idea of an embryo or even a 8-10 week fetus sensing and feeling hurt by an ultrasound. Transvaginals aren’t the most fun for the woman, I admit. Still by later pregnancy babies are aware, and I mentioned that Natan towards the end would try to kick the doppler and the ultrasound wand. But I have no reason to think it was hurting him. Just that he’d become a sensate being and was checking out his world. That was a long-winded way of getting to a perhaps insignificant point. This friend didn’t seem at all bothered that I would mention my last pregnancy and deceased son. I know she can’t be used to people talking about their dead babies, but she cares so she listens. A guy, a friend of Josh’s, said to me the first time I saw him after losing Natan, that he wanted to be there for us, but just had no idea what to say. I responded that that’s okay, we don’t even know what to feel. I think it helps to realize that very few people, and almost no one my age, are familiar with our kind of loss. Some people clearly don’t have space for other people’s feelings and are bothered by the intrusion of my pain on their lives. I’m fortunate not to have many of them around and I don’t have to contend very often with the random acquaintance.

So, the second question. Am I still jealous of other pregnant women? Sort of and not all the time. It’s not a seething jealousy, and it’s situationally determined. I am jealous of their security, and of the fact that most women who are visibly pregnant have reason to be secure. Chances are they will get to bring that baby home alive. Chances are good for me too, but even better for other women. So I do feel sad that I can’t have that feeling. I’m not jealous of their pregnancies, I just want to feel happy and secure like them. And I want to happily read pregnancy sites and visit maternity stores and baby stores and make plans. I want to feel like I at least have a voice in pregnancy discussions, and so often I feel shut out of that.

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18 responses to “Thursday Already?

  1. I think you caputured my own feelings towards pregnant women very well. I am no longer jealous of the fact that they are simply pregnant, I am jealous of their carefree attitude. I know I will never have that again.

    As for the other question, well, it’s one reason I haven’t told my in-laws yet. I am pretty sure they will start to think I must be “over it”

  2. It is okay to complain about the nurse giving you painful shot. She really should have known better. If she’s new, she needs to be told that she needs to take better care in selecting the injection site and delivering the shot. No one is going to be mad at you and Dr. K. would like to know if her staff needs to do something differently to better serve her patients. I do hope you get Georgia for the rest of the shots and not this last nurse.

    I personally don’t understand the people in your life who think you should be over Natan’s passing. Maybe it is because I grew up in a slightly different culture, but it seems so foreign to me that you (and many of the readers of your blog) are expected to just get over the loss of a child(ren) in a certain time period.

    I am glad you wrote what you did about how you are jealous of other pregnant women. I was wondering how you were feeling on that. It pretty much was what I was thinking because that is the way I would feel in your place.

    Hang in there with everything you’re going through and good luck with the writing. I cannot imagine what you’re going through, but I am always around to listen (read) anytime.

  3. Actually, my point was that very few people in my life are expecting me to be over anything. I was responding, “No,” to Wanna Be Mom’s question, in a long-winded way.

  4. We actually haven’t told everyone either, Ms. G. If they saw me they’d obviously know, but Josh feels that some of his family has been so unsupportive that we might just tell them via birth announcement.

  5. I wonder if you are taking pictures of yourself as you progress through your preganacy Sara…watching your body change also can help (and sometimes work the other way too) with how one feels. I can relate to the shot a bit. I got one while in “boot camp” when I was in the Navy. I slept in the upper bunk and when I jumped out the next morning, I went all the way to the floor as my upper buttock was so sore. Limped for a week but then so did everyone else in my company.

    When is your due date again?

  6. Due date December 16th. There will be no pregnancy tickers on this blog, however. I’m not counting the days like I did in my last pregnancy, and I think that’s a good thing!

    Hmm. Photos. Josh and I started with that in the first pregnancy, when I was 25 pounds lighter than I am now. I’m not opposed to having my photo taken, but I think doing it regularly might drudge up some body image issues. Just last night I caught a glimpse of my naked self in the mirror and thought, OMG my body has aged this year. I’m SO round!

  7. I have a friend that’s very vocal about her opinions in favor of natural childbirth. Even before my loss, I felt like her statements were on the verge of demeaning, like if I went to an OB regularly I was a shmuck. Recently she’s said some things that were so naive and critical of other women’s choices. All I could say was that it wasn’t a political issue for me, just one about the health and safety of me and the baby. I got into a semi-debate with some women on a pregnancy bulletin board over declining u/s and standard blood tests. For them, ignorance is still bliss. I’m all for choice, but feel like I haven’t been left with many at this point.

    I’m glad that you have a good circle of friends. Hold them close. Who says we’ll ever be over such losses.

  8. This is so interesting, because I really try to avoid saying anything about my pregnancy to pregnant women. And when something slips out, I feel terrible.

    I mean, if I say, “Oh, I had morning sickness just like that” or “At my 12-week ultrasound, my twins were doing backflips, just like your baby,” I worry that they might think that I’m suggesting in some roundabout way that their pregnancies could end as badly as mine did. I don’t want them to think that my experience has anything in common with theirs.

    I’ve probably mentioned this before, but when I was pregnant, but before anything had gone wrong, an older woman at work told me all about her pregnancy, many years ago, with twins. How she had lost one at around 20 weeks and the other at around 24 weeks. I think I said all the right things to her, but I wished she hadn’t told me the story because I began to worry that the same thing would happen to me. And then it did.

  9. I am sure Josh finds you even more attractive right now. Seems as if most pregnant women don’t feel that way. I view it as all natural – not sure I would recommend going as far as say Demi Moore. And December 16th is a long way off…I like the day at a time.

  10. You know, I am not even jealous of these blissfully ignorant pregnant women exactly. I am kinda wistful for feeling that secure. But, as a friend pointed out to me, I was never ever THAT secure, since my first pg followed two years of infertility and ended in a miscarriage.

    But women who refuse u/s because it might upset the baby? Or those who say they will never get tested because they wouldn’t abort anyway? That burns me. Julia at a Uncommon Misconception has a great post about that, although her specific situation differs from ours. My personal thoughts, which I might not be able to keep to myself, would be something about what things might REALLY upset the baby. Which is probably why I avoid talking to pg women– I always think I would be (or would be seen to be) a party pooper. The shrink asked me whether I thought they (pg women) should know these things, and I said, of course, but it shouldn’t be my job– their doctors should tell them.

    I also worry about people saying “but now they are all better” or something to that effect if/when I am pg again or we get to bring another baby home. I have promised myself to never hesitate to set people straight if I hear something like that. And I won’t be very diplomatic either. That, and hearing “congratulations” when pg are among my non-health-related nightmare scenarios.

  11. I’m pretty careful about what I say in front of pregnant women…just in case I make them nervous.

    Non-pregnant women? Men? I don’t edit myself. Can’t be bothered.

    Do take pictures of yourself Sara, and think about doing something cool like belly casting. I really regret not doing that when I was pregnant. I was so nervous, I missed out on making memories.

  12. I completely relate to your inability to tell your doctor about that nurse’s poor shot giving abilities. That’s just like me. Always afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings… I get angry at myself sometimes!

    I didn’t think I had any issues with seeing pregnant women anymore, until my OB appointment today. It was harder than I thought it would be.

  13. Sara, I hope it’s OK for me to butt in with some advice on progesterone shots. I don’t know if any of this is at all helpful when a nurse is giving you the shot – it’s not all under your control. (I also wonder what your doze is, and how much of the actual liquid it is.) My husband did most of my progesterone shots, and I did some myself when he was on business trips. It is helpful when progesterone in oil is a little warm – around body temperature. I held the vial in my hand for a few minutes to warm it up. If at all possible, try to relax when you are stabbed with the needle. (Breathing helped me some.) Once it’s in, it’s helpful if the plunger is depressed slowly. If you find that the shots are consistently more painful on one side, just use the other. It was the case with me. We’ve experimented and tried to optimize and still some shots were painless and others left a bruised-feeling area for days.

    And I just want to let you know that I’m reading you blog and thinking about you often.

  14. I can’t believe someone actually said that an ultrasound would hurt her baby! Although I have never been pregnant, I have had several types of ultrasounds, and they are not at all invasive, especially compared to, say, a pelvic exam. I think it’s another example of how pregnancy scares everyone to some extent because it is such a time of mystery and danger. I have been amazed to learn over the last year just how many pregnancies end in some unhappy way, and I think that because those statistics not the most comforting thing in the world, everyone has their own way of trying to deal with their anxiety. I’m grateful that you are so honest about your feelings, both about losing Natan and your fears about your current pregnancy rather than keeping it all in or pretending to be “over it” (whatever that means) to try to make your friends feel better.

  15. Darn it. I just messed up my own comment. I brief I said:

    Thanks for reading Aite, and for the advice. I talked to my mom’s friend, a nurse, yesterday, and she said much of the same. That the nurse probably plunged it in too fast, and that it might have been too cold. I wonder why you were able to do your shots at home – the doctor didn’t even say that was an option. But I don’t mind.

    Niobe, I wouldn’t want to tell a pregnant woman any horror stories, either. But normal aspects, I like talking about.

    Thanks for the link, Julia. I was a blissfully ignorant pregnant woman for a about 6 weeks, before the miscarriage. I had all sorts of plans about exercising, doing a Bradley birth. Alas.

    I’ll think about pictures, Aurelia, on a day when I actually bother to shower and dry my hair. Not sure what I would do with a belly cast. The real belly takes up so much room in our tiny apartment as it is. I’m not good with stuff either, as we move so often.

  16. LeRoy Dissing

    I can’t remember when during pregnancy a person can start to experience Braxton Hicks Contractions…have you had any of those yet Sara?

  17. I’m sorry to say that I still “hate” most pregnant women even though I am now 27 weeks and 2 days. I just have so much anger still and I just know that they will have a perfectly normal birthing experience and have a healthy child. I guess what it really boils down to for me is wanting to know what is so GD special about then that they get to have a living baby but I have to leave mine in the hospital and go home with a memory box. Sometimes, in my wild fantasies I have the most perfect subsequent pregnancy and a million people show up to visit me, and DH buys me a brand new Volvo SUV with navigation and entertainment systems. Friends throw me a baby shower that fills up the astrodome… and these women get jealous. Ah, yes. Now that I’ve revealed my petty side, the truth is, if I get to go down the elevator with my baby, I could care less. I just wish for once people were in awe of me, instead of pity.

  18. I need to go back in about an hour to the local fair that wannabe dad and I are volunteering at. Whoa! You couldn’t even count the pg women on two hands. They are all there. And I don’t feel like I can’t go back to finish our shifts. I guess it comes in waves, and I think I’m more irked by pg people I know.

    Thanks for pondering my questions. I appreciate all the viewpoints on this. I’ll answer these questions myself when and if the opportunity should arise to remind myself of the loss of my security and innocence. (I have a feeling I’ll feel like Monica does, only I’ll throw in the skywriting.)

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