What was that about?

I had a horrible night last night. I am freaking out about having reached the point, 20 weeks, where a loss will no longer be called “miscarriage” and I am just a few weeks from where some babies reach viability. Yes, this should give me hope but I think I’m going to have a hell of a time from now until we pass 27-28 weeks. And I really have been doing so well, until now.

The badness actually started in the early afternoon, when I decided to work from a coffee shop for awhile. The chairs were uncomfortable, and when I’m not comfortable, I get nervous. Nervous about impossible things – like my uterus being positioned in just the right way for my cervix to shorten. My imagination gets away from me. So then I wanted to go home, back to the refuge of my futon and carefully positioned trays. But then the sun was too bright on the drive home and I had forgotten my sunglasses so I was in an even worse mood. I suddenly was exhausted, and thought that maybe I was having an upside down French fry day, like Lori’s Baby Girl earlier this week, but inexplicable grumpiness is not nearly so cute on a 30 year old. I decided that I probably just needed a nap. Only that didn’t help. It just gave me a headache.

Eventually by the evening I at least felt human. Being the comfortable old couple that we are, we played a game of Triv.ial Pur.suit, the 1980s edition. I finally won after getting the answer to this question correct, “What US Supreme Court Justice was reared on a 198,000 acre cattle ranch?” after confusing Richard Marx with Michael Bolton at least 3 times. And I was reminded of a question Niobe asked last week when I was so disgusted by a question Josh got about an, uh, 10-foot Twinkie that I had to let him read the card because I was gagging at the thought of it.

Off to sleep where I had so many bad dreams I still feel like hell this morning.  The most bizarre one was about my family going out to dinner and for some inexplicable reason my sister left my nephew in the car without access to his wheelchair while we ate. I was terrified he would try to crawl across the parking lot to get to us but for some reason I wasn’t brave enough to demand an explanation or the car keys. In another dream my sister was angry with me for something and wouldn’t let me see my niece.

Don’t continue reading if you don’t want to know of yet more losses in the world to be angry about. I’m crabby about things that have nothing to do with me as well. I’m so sad for Msfitzita, and Amy, from another blog I read, and I am distraught that another of the Morrison sextuplets has died, leaving only one still alive and just barely. But of course that’s not unexpected and even as the family deserves their privacy I wonder/doubt if we’ll see a media reversal on calling these sorts of births “miracles” rather than flipping tragedies now. Without blaming infertile couples.  My G-d I can’t imagine the pain, burying 5 babies, possibly 6, in just 7 weeks. And I wonder if they have doubts, and incredibly profound regrets.

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7 responses to “What was that about?

  1. I wonder what dreams lay in store for the remainder of this pregnancy if this is what you are experiencing now? An upside down French Fry Day and a 10′ Twinkie…I can only imagine the correlation, if any! I hope the rest of your weekend is better than the start of this one Sara.

  2. This sounds like much more than an upside down french fry day, especially since Baby Girl’s french fry was indeed righted with a nap. Oh, and as evidenced by the photo, it wasn’t so cute on my little doll either.

    There are so many struggles with a pregnancy after a loss, but I think one of the most confusing ones is how every milestone brings both happiness, and new anxiety. You cross one hurdle, only to start anticipating and worrying about all of the ones in front of you. I am a broken record, but I wish more than anything I could make time fly for you.

    The new losses you mentioned make me sad too. And I agree that I can’t imagine the media portraying the true tragedy of extreme prematurity without either heralding the “miracles” or blaming the parents. It makes me furious… but that is a subject for another day.

  3. Thanks Lori and LeRoy. I’m sure Baby Girl’s mood wasn’t pleasant at the moment, and I hate to think of such a sweet little one feeling so sad and unhappy, but that photo just tore at my heart!

    I wish I could make time fly, too. It was going faster for awhile, but seems to have slowed down again. It’s weird how it works like that.

    Sometime, Lori, I’d like to hear/read your thoughts on that subject. I’m sure you have a more thoughtful perspective on it than me.

  4. Lori’s right about the media potrayal of the sextuplets. They are either “miracles” or the parents are selfish. The sextuplets’ story caues me a lot of grief becasue either way you look at it (on the myriad ways in between), five babies have died. I’m so with you on the worries in a SPAL. I have so many random anxiety issues.. issues really having nothing to do with pregnancy loss. I’m going to blog about it soon. I think that when you feel vulnerable (as we do), that carries over into all aspects of your life. Yeah, I knew about msfitzita and I read Amy’s blog. Stuff like that just makes me wonder about this world.

  5. That does make me incredibly sad about msfitzita and all the other bloggers who have losses after losses. It seems to pile up day after day. And that couple with the sextuplets? I can’t even think about them. I feel very very sorry for them and their surviving sibling. They deserved better treatment. Definitely.

  6. You are in my thoughts. I can’t imagine how difficult your pregnancy must be.

    To manage time, when I was pregnant with the twins I had weekly milestones in my head, because I had dead baby thoughts all the time. Like you, twenty weeks was huge because of the miscarriage/premature birth. 24 weeks viability. 28 weeks better chance of survival. 30 weeks better chance of no developmental issues, 34 weeks able to suck (eat), etc. I had fillers in for every week. I just can’t remember them now. I wish I could say that my paranoia went away after giving birth, but it’s still here, just in different ways.

    I find it difficult to comprehend the whole right-to-life theory and the dangerous situations it creates. I wonder how the forty day rule was dismissed. I wonder how the right-to-lifers work out destroying any cell now, since any cell is a potential life through cloning. Maybe I’m just more sensitive since my own twin pregnancy was so dangerous.

  7. Thanks all. Welcome, Thrice.

    Milestones definitely help some, but the overall anxiety is so large it feels unmanageable at times. I hope this kid isn’t hoping for more siblings.

    Like Monica said, I do wonder about the world. I feel very lost within in it sometimes.

    As for the ‘right-to-life’ politics, for the moment all I can do is mourn the babies and families caught in its crossfire.

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