I had different plans for honoring Natan today. It is 9 months since he was born and left us, according to the Gregorian calendar. It is also a Wednesday, and I’ve lived week to week for so long now, I tend to feel most sad on Wednesdays.
Were I not fighting for his little brother’s life, we would visit his grave and lay sunflowers. We would attend yiskor services (a memorial service) tomorrow at synagogue. It’s a holiday tonight and tomorrow for us.
When Natan was in my womb, Josh and I called him “Brown.” It was a name we saw in a baby book and thought was funny. We grew quite fond of it though, and Josh at one point wanted to choose it for his name. I preferred, though, to think of him as and call him A Gift. He still is my gift from G-d.
I’m sorry, little Brown, my Natan, that you’re not here with us now. I’m sorry that we didn’t know then what we do now, that it took your life to show us what to do for your baby brother. I’m sorry. I miss you.