9 months

I had different plans for honoring Natan today. It is 9 months since he was born and left us, according to the Gregorian calendar. It is also a Wednesday, and I’ve lived week to week for so long now, I tend to feel most sad on Wednesdays.

Were I not fighting for his little brother’s life, we would visit his grave and lay sunflowers. We would attend yiskor services (a memorial service) tomorrow at synagogue. It’s a holiday tonight and tomorrow for us.

When Natan was in my womb, Josh and I called him “Brown.” It was a name we saw in a baby book and thought was funny. We grew quite fond of it though, and Josh at one point wanted to choose it for his name. I preferred, though, to think of him as and call him A Gift. He still is my gift from G-d.

I’m sorry, little Brown, my Natan, that you’re not here with us now. I’m sorry that we didn’t know then what we do now, that it took your life to show us what to do for your baby brother. I’m sorry. I miss you.

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10 responses to “9 months

  1. Little Natan who holds a special soft spot with me as I share my birthday with him. Lots of love.

  2. Little Natan you hold a soft spot in my heart with your Jan 3 birthday. Lots of love. I missed your hospital stay – I really hope things settle down. Thinking of you.

  3. Natan understands where you are, and why you need to stay there with your feet up.

    I hope your day is easier, and your grief is not too great.

  4. Thinking of you, and Natan. I never got to meet him, and yet somehow, I miss him.

  5. I’m thinking of you and your family.

  6. Natan is connected to A for me– they went the same month, one at the beginning and one at the end. The curiosities of the calendar are not really important, except somehow this one is, to me. It is incredibly unfair that this is the one thing Natan was able to do for his baby brother. May his memory be for a blessing.

    I will take sunflowers to A next time I go, and I will tell him of Natan.

  7. Thinking of you this evening. Be well.

  8. thinking of you all….Natan I hope you have found Birdie…..and you both are smiling down on us all.

    the 3rd of the month is very hard for us too.
    sending love.
    Erin

  9. I can’t find the words right now…but I do understand how you feel about this all. Completely.

    I am thinking of Natan and of the sunflowers.

  10. I’m so sad — for you and Josh and Natan and all of the rest of us. There have been far too many tears.

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