I need to call a friend back who learned on Friday that her twelve week pregnancy had really ended at 6 weeks. We talked Friday for an hour or so and she sounded okay, very much in the “this is common it means nothing” mood, but I know that only lasts so long. She’s having a D&C on Tuesday. She sounded uncertain about the procedure, but I think 6 weeks sounds like a long time to have it not pass on its own. I told her about the pain of mine – so she’d be prepared just in case it started sooner – but thought she should follow the medical advice. My doc was comfortable with waiting two weeks – or a full month after the “fetal demise.”
I want to call her back today but I feel on the edge of collapse myself. She said that after what happened to us, she feels like a miscarriage is no big deal. Although I clearly mourn Natan much more than my miscarriage, we’re not in a pain Olympics and there’s nothing to feel good about with her loss. She said they’d been trying a while. Despite my own personal hell, I felt like a heel responding that we’d gotten pregnant 3 times over 3 unprotected months when she asked. Goodness knows no one would begrudge me my fertility but there are just so many different brands of suffering in this baby-making race.
I say race not because we’re competing with anyone else, but because time feels so precious with pregnancy. I’m struck this mourning [huh, I’ll leave be that interesting typo] that I went off birth control 2 years ago this month – cycle-time not calendar time. Josh was leaving in early November and we were going to begin trying as soon as he got back or I went to see him. I thought it was very convenient that I’d have a few months to clean the pill out of my system and be on prenatals and folic acid – one small comfort for the forced separation. [Lest we think pregnancy is the only arena where people make idiot comments, no fewer than two relatives expressed worry about our marriage surviving his time abroad! It took great restraint not to comment that theirs probably couldn’t.]
My sister, her best friend, and an old high school friend announced pregnancies in the interim. I admit that, even as I couldn’t have become pregnant in those months, I did feel a bit of sadness that I wanted to be pregnant and had to wait out those months. The very moment Josh said he was ready, I wanted to be pregnant. But I didn’t want to be pregnant alone and in retrospect, thank goodness I wasn’t except for about 6 weeks (I got pregnant while visiting him, he returned 7 weeks later) .
My first due date was in December. Natan was born in January. If this baby makes it, he’ll arrive a bit short of one year after I first expected to bring home a baby. I’ve been waiting even longer. In the world of fertility challenges, that’s not so long. But it has been horrible. It has been more than a lifetime.
I think I’ll cry for awhile now, and then try to compose myself and call my friend. You’d think I’d be a good person to talk to, but I’m fresh out of comfort.