Reprieve and two posts in one

Great news from the doctor’s office – no appreciable change in the past 10 days. I can’t tell you the relief I feel. As if I’ve gotten a bonus 10 days of pregnancy. 34 weeks looks ever more possible.

Welcome to the world of grief and pregnancy. I flit easily between sadness, despair and hope. Last night as I went to sleep, I felt sad as I often do, and tried to remember details about Natan. I suddenly felt unsure about whose feet his had resembled more, mine or Josh’s. Meaning, was his second toe long, much longer than the first like mine, or short like his father’s? I got up to look at the plaster-of-paris impression of his feet. They were like mine. A long second toe. I’ll never know how much like mine, though. Would he have cultivated this trait? Learned to type with his odd toe? Would he have been embarrassed by it as a teenager, or never cared about it whatsoever? As I’ve said before, he looked like a perfect little combination of Josh and me. He had two of my signature traits – both of which I got from my dad – an upturned nose and long toe.

I felt better after looking at the impressions of his tiny feet. But not completely satisfied. I apparently am not at peace with having to open a drawer and a box and pull out a piece of plaster to inspect my son’s feet.

Afterwards, I had a dream that my parents’ labrador retriever chewed up Natan’s box and broke the mold. The anguish I felt at discovering it was incredible, just thinking of it now makes my chest ache. I took the remaining pieces to a Mexican restaurant to show Josh (inexplicable detail for you) and sat there trying to fit the little pieces together inside the little shell we picked up during our trip to Florida in February and put in his box. The shell was broken too though. I couldn’t figure out whether we had all the pieces. I sat there for a long time after everyone had left, unsuccessfully trying to convince myself that I could be satisfied with the little bits that had survived.

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11 responses to “Reprieve and two posts in one

  1. No matter what happens, Natan will be your “first born son,” as Ace likes to refer to himself. You will always love Natan and you will be the best mother for Natan.

    I hope that this comes across the right way…

  2. what a sad dream…my own heart leapt in my mouth, a little. it is such a strange place you are. i remember it well, big bellied and yet full of grief just beginning to ripen along with my body, focused on little scraps that were never enough and yet so precious, needing more to look back than ahead, right then.

    all i can say is that while you will never have more of Natan, don’t lose sight of the fact that you too have survived…even if you only feel like a “little bit” some days yourself.

  3. I have had dreams like that- where the few precious tangible items we have to remind us of our time with Molly and Joseph are damaged or lost. I always wake up feeling relieved, sad, and worn out by the trauma of it all.

    As Bon said, this is a puzzling place to be. Full of life, but still grieving so deeply the life that came before.

    I too am not satisfied with opening boxes to conjure up memories of my children. It is not nearly enough.

  4. A dream that needs no interpretation.

  5. I’m so glad you got good news from the doctors.

  6. When my laptop got backed up after I left my old job, I had to stop in the middle of the street and check because the thought occurred to me that maybe, just maybe the pictures of A didn’t get backed up. Couldn’t breathe until I made sure they were there.

    Good news on the medical front.

  7. thinking of you. i’m so happy for those bonus days.

  8. I’m glad to hear that things are looking good. You are the first blog I go to on bloglines, and I know others are anxiously awaiting news of a safe arrival. I still get upset at the fact that all the tangible remains of Jimmy are in a memory box. I still feel cheated even though I have a wonderful, beautiful newborn that looks just like him. Maybe that is part of the problem. Jeez, I’m not doing much to make you feel better. I think it will get better though. IF anything, we will finally get to experience what it means to be a mom in the “traditional” meaning.

  9. i find the dreams that need no interpretation smack dab in the middle of comforting and heartbreaking.
    We never forget, as a Mother you will never leave one of your children behind.
    You have come so far and by the looks of it will go even farther.

    hugs and much luck!

  10. I have had dreams of losing my “M” things. They are horrible.

    “I flit easily between sadness, despair, and hope” Great line, and so, so true. Exactly me, lately.

  11. Thinking of you. So glad things are continuing to go well. And 34 weeks, is not too far off now.

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