Still going

Another fine doctor’s appointment. Dr. K just measured my uterus, checked the baby’s heart rate, and confirmed that the ache right under my rib cage was indeed a firmly planted pair of feet. If all goes well I won’t get another cervix check before the cerclage removal – she said she wanted to “give [my] vagina a break.” I’m fine with that. While it might be cool to hear another 3cm measurement, really there’s nothing to be done if it’s not and if it becomes a problem I should get a sign. Today was also my last progesterone shot. I suppose that was a milestone but honestly they hadn’t bothered me terribly.

I cannot believe I am a mere 3 weeks away from reaching the point of having the cerclage removed. That I am scared about, but no matter how much it hurts it won’t take long and it can’t hurt more than anything I’ve already experienced.

I’m excited, fairly optimistic, and yet still apprehensive. Not only because there are no promises still. We’re coming up on ten months since Natan died and I still feel like our grief is very fresh. On the one hand I know the safe birth of this baby will be healing, and that I cannot even comprehend how happy I will feel at that event, if it goes well and safely. These months have been ridiculously fast and terribly slow. And yet the idea that I may greet his first birthday with his baby brother safely in my arms still feels impossible, utterly incomprehensible.

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6 responses to “Still going

  1. I hear you on the aching ribs! I am so glad things continue to go well. I think at 10 months grief is still very fresh. When you add in the all the emotions of another pregnancy, I can only imagine the roller coaster ride you have been experiencing. I only know what I have been going through, and I am coming up on 2 years since my loss.

  2. Okay, you beat me! I delivered at 33w2d. I can’t express how thrilled I am for you.

    I have a question though. Please bare with me, if I don’t phrase this as eloquently as I should. I apologize in advance. I’m not quite sure how I should respond to your expressions of grief, if at all. On one hand, I don’t want to gloss over it, as if you didn’t just pour your heart out, only because I’m scared of saying the wrong thing, trying to understand your grief, when there is no way that I can begin to understand. On the other hand, it is clear that you despise Natan’s death to be ignored. So where is the line? Do I stay safe and continue to write “I’m sorry for your grief/loss” or do I risk an attempt to express what I have taken from your post. For instance, in this post that I see your conflicted maternal instincts. That you very much, still, are Natan’s mother in the present. Which, for what it’s worth, I think is beautiful. (See, I don’t know if this is coming out right, because, of course, you still are Natan’s mother.) I don’t want to venture into the confliction of happiness that I see, for fear of messing this up already more than I have. And then I want to delete all of this as it just sounds like babbly-gook. So if you can help guide me in what is appropriate. After all there is always the kingdom of lurking. Sorry, I just suck at comments.

  3. Thanking of you. Glad the appointment went well!

  4. opps, that’s supposed to be thinking of you! Duh!

  5. I know what you mean. I think it will be sweet and sorrowful for a long time. I’m still holding my breath until I bring home a healthy baby, and we’ll never forget our first born. Thinking of you.

  6. The dilemma of how to be happy for what is, and yet be sad for what was, is always there. Learning to hold both things at once takes time…. and sometimes, it doesn’t work very well. It’s a balancing act I wish you didn’t have to learn.

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