Monthly Archives: November 2007

A letter

Dear Baby,
I’ve noticed you’re a bit crowded in there. Your head is pressed up tight against my cervix and your feet and hands seem to find my ribs and pelvis a bit constraining. The constant pressure of your little butt, sometimes visible from the outside of my body has given me a set of very colorful purple lines on my belly. Daddy’s feeling crowded too as we slowly encroach on more and more of the bed – what between my expanding belly and the elaborate spread of pillows I need to sleep.

I know everyone has been telling you “STAY IN THERE” for months now, and so this sudden change in plans is perhaps confusing. You haven’t experienced much in your short life and maybe you’re not sure the plans won’t change again. I also realize you may have heard that your mommy and daddy only have a one-bedroom apartment and you won’t be greeted with an elaborately decorated nursery like some of your friends-to-be. I promise you, though, that there’s still a lot more room for you to grow and play out here than in there.

Not only that, but the view is better as well. We have two adorable cats who I’m sure will entertain you lots over the years and if you get here before Tuesday you’ll get to see the first night of your first holiday – Chanukah – and I know you’ll like all the candles and lights.

If you need to stay in there a little longer, I understand, but I just wanted to let you know, it’s okay now. We’re ready and waiting and can’t wait to meet you.

Love, Mommy

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By the Way

Doctor’s appointment today: 75% effaced, 3-4cm dilated

Moving along here, slowly but surely

Protected: Pulling my Hair Out

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Spicy food

Okay I just had a huge plateful of spicy Indian food. If I end up with horrible heartburn instead of labor tonight, I’m blaming you all. Yup all of you. I’m kidding. It’s what we had on hand so it’s what I would have eaten anyway. In a few minutes I’ll follow it up with the last piece of pumpkin pie.

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Round and Round

I apologize if you want one of these, but I just saw a commercial for it and couldn’t help but think, “How hideous.”

Christmas Tree Dollar

I don’t understand what this coin has to do with Liberia, although it’s another fascinating piece of evidence in my ongoing interest in the historical relationship between the US and Americo-Liberians.

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Wishlist: We are registered at two online stores to satisfy the non-blog family and friends, but we really don’t need anything. We know so many other little babies (especially boys) that we’re all set just from hand-me downs. What I’m really wishing for at the moment is a bit of relief from a hellish case of sciatica. Any advice beyond an appointment with a chiropractor or a masseuse since there’s likely not time for that while I’m still pregnant? I walked maybe 6 (short, not city) blocks yesterday and you’d have thought I ran a marathon what from the panting and muscle aches. Last night I had to hold on to walls and furniture to walk. I think I’m gonna invest in Pee Wee Pilates & some post-partum yoga DVDs after the baby is born. I’m too scared to buy them or sign up in advance. I just have to sigh when I think of my months and months of pre-pregnancy working out. I’d like to think I’d be even worse off had I not been so diligent.
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We have snow. Yesterday we had ground cover, but the morning sun melted much of it. Snow reminds me just how very close we are getting to the end of the year, and how I have spent most of this year on this couch where I sit now. I am sad as I think of Natan’s little grave being covered in white yet again, and grateful that he is in an easy place to locate in the cemetery. We are less than one month away now from the anniversary of when I entered the hospital.

Yet I am glad for the passage of time, and acutely aware of how privileged I am among us to have that comfort. I am hopeful that, even as I will never live without this pain and grief, happier times are on their way. That while I’ll always be Natan’s mother, mother of a dead baby, I will also get to be the mother of a living child. I want to be his chauffeur, his tutor, his teacher, everything. I hope he keeps me up at night, and tires me out with endless questions. While I know parenthood isn’t easy, I hope I never forget, ever, for a second that it can’t possibly be as difficult as the path we took to it.

But mostly right now I just wish he would get here already.

My dead baby nightmares are fewer and farther between than earlier in the pregnancy, but not gone. I’ll spare you all the details, but last night I dreamt that Josh and I had sex, and afterwards I pulled a bone out of my va.gina.
Like so many of my other dreams, it needs no interpretation.

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Who am I?

Never mind all the other “[blank] months/weeks since” events floating in my mind. I cannot believe it has been 9 weeks since I spent my two nights in the hospital, worried that labor was coming early again. Last time I was in L&D, the doctor said to me that I would hopefully make it to 34 weeks, but I would “definitely” not be one of those women who makes it to 40 weeks and wonders when labor will start already. Dr. K said a few times that she would be very happy with a 35 week baby. Well, here we are 37w 1d and I’m having fewer strong contractions that I have had at any point in this pregnancy since 27 weeks. What happened to make my body forget that everyone was expecting her to go into labor early? The drugs, the rest? Or was it all a false alarm? Clearly no one was willing to gamble on that final possibility so I’m happy with all we’ve done.

I’m not sure I can satisfy Lori’s request for a “blow by blow” account when I do go into labor – but I do think I passed my mucous plug yesterday. That of course means something, but seeing as I am now TERM and only 20 days from my due date it doesn’t tell us much about when! And yes, I’ll do my best to get the news out as quickly as possible.

We have an aquarium infant swing here in the room with me – an artifact of our first pregnancy. I bought it at a garage sale. Silly for an 8 week pregnant woman, and I’ve now owned the damn thing for way too long (thankfully it has been hidden from sight in my parent’s basement), but the side of me opposed to making birth and babyhood a consumer extravaganza is quite pleased to have this like-new but used object that cost somewhere around $10. I’m still wary of it though, hoping/praying that my dad won’t have to drag it back 300 miles west again. If anyone out there is thinking of gift purchases – remember the baby will be living in a one-bedroom apartment. He also has enough 0-3 size clothing to outfit him differently every day of his first three months. Glad I’m not having a shower until he’s safely here and at least one month old.

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Utterly Exhausted

I am still here and still pregnant. I have lots I want to write about but I’ve had 3 days of relatives and I still have to have breakfast out with my parents, sister, and her kids.

Our small apartment is overflowing with baby stuff. It is making me exceedingly anxious.

My nephew is very curious about when this baby will arrive and what we will name him. My niece wants him to be named Gabriel and my nephew votes for Isaiah- actual reasonable names and I’m touched since they wanted their sister born last year to be called “Toilet.” My nephew kept telling me that when it’s time for the baby to be born, I needed to call the doctor fast and have him cut the baby out. Nice.

More later, but for the moment all that matters is that nothing has happened yet.