The weekend without Josh was both hard and good. I am exhausted from having held Samuel pretty much all day every day but also happy for having held Samuel pretty much all day every day. Such I guess is the character of my life right now.
On January 1 I went shopping briefly, to buy baby wipes and an outfit to wear to a wedding in a couple of weeks. While driving I reflected on the end of 2007, an arbitrary boundary but one I wanted to think about nonetheless. Bookended by both the most awful and most wonderful events, those 12 months bear a significance that left me still reeling. And yet the year was full of non-events. I spent most of my time between the four walls of this room, on the couch now to my right. First, I sat there in sadness and devastation for most of January 2007, and then, from July to December, I mostly lay there in fear and anticipation. Even if our years weren’t bounded by January and December, this year would have been for me.
I am slowly becoming more active, shedding the figurative weight of my three pregnancies since the spring of 2006. Given how much I struggled to maintain it, perhaps I shouldn’t admit that at the moment I am thrilled to no longer be pregnant. I walked up the hill today to spend an hour at the coffee shop while Samuel slept and I marveled at the ease of my steps. I love how easily I can turn myself in bed, or get up and down from the couch, and I’m even happy to do laundry – something I couldn’t do for months because it is down two flights of stairs, one of them quite steep and uneven.
I’m curious about where this blog will go in the coming weeks and months. Initially I intended to write only for a year – a year of consolation. But the blogging community has become important to me and I am loathe to think of just leaving it behind. I hope that as I adjust to life as a mom of a living baby I’ll find more time to write, and the energy to write more interesting posts. We shall see.