We are working on getting Samuel to sleep longer at night, but still there are few moments where I’m more at peace than during our nighttime feedings. Watching him eat in the side lying position, with one of his little hands clenched in a loose fist while the other gently pats my breast, his eyes shut and his mouth letting out the occasional contented sigh, I am happy, completely. Those moments are just Samuel and me, alone, without even my ghosts.
There are other moments where Samuel and I are not alone, where thoughts of Natan enter, but I do not break down. I put a few songs on Samuel’s bedtime CD that remind me of my other pregnancy, and I hug him a bit tighter but the sadness stays at the edges.
The above is only one of many many incomplete drafts I have written and saved. I didn’t get dressed today until past 1pm. In fact, from 11am to 1pm I was wandering our house without a shirt because Samuel had spit up on it and I’d tossed it off and then couldn’t make it to the closet to put on a clean one. I suppose I could have, but catching up on email, trying to make WordPress load when the server was apparently down, making a necessary phone call, and rocking Samuel to sleep for a nap took priority. Yes, I often rock Samuel to sleep. I know that may be setting myself up for trouble later but really I enjoy the way he looks up into my eyes as he drifts off so much that I let him do it at least for one nap a day. Now I have taken my 4 hour slot of work time off to complete other tasks, like thank you notes and this blog post.
Josh and I are under so much pressure to finish our dissertations. Seriously. Yes everyone is always under pressure and we’ll have less time when we’re faculty, but Samuel will also be older and we’ll have more access to help. I have basically taken the past 9 months off and since I am only taking an extra 4 months to finish, I have to play catch up. Blog time either comes out of work time or Samuel time or couple time, since that’s what I have right now. It has become a burden that I worry about because if I’m going to do this at all, I want to do it well. Something has to give in my life, and sadly at least for now this blog has to be it. I will keep commenting – and hopefully those comments won’t be the half-assed sentences I dash off in an attempt to write something of my own that will inevitably end up in the draft file, indefinitely unpublished. I will miss writing but it’s just more than I can do to maintain this blog right now.
I am not complaining. Life is good. I remember some post last spring where I wrote that people who think it’s hard to work with a baby should try working without the baby. That’s still true. It was much much harder last spring without a baby. The endless open slots of time, with nothing to do but stare at the screen. That was impossible. Working now is easy. An absolute breeze in comparison. Now when I find myself distracted while working, longing to hold my babies, I can just wait until it’s time to go home and find one of them there waiting.
I won’t say my permanent good byes. In late April/early May, if Josh finishes and we find we can relax a bit, or in August, if I have indeed managed to finish a complete draft, I’ll try to come back.
Until then, much love to you all, and thank you so much for getting me through.
I’ll leave you with a picture of Samuel looking like a super hottie baby at his grandma’s house, and the back of my head, enjoying her super comfy couch and enormous TV with a gazillion channels.