I told a friend a while back that contrary to the image on a blog, no one’s marriage is perfect and that I would post sometime about Josh behaving like an ass. Problem is, when I tried to do it, I realized I behave like an ass sometimes too and I probably couldn’t be trusted to acknowledge both. But let me assure you grief and stress makes us both less than wonderful at times. Particularly of late.
Having to finish by April is putting a huge burden on Josh. And yet he’s still doing so much for Samuel and me. He still participates in nighttime feedings (first trying to calm Samuel, to see if he’s really hungry or just needs some help getting back to sleep, then burping him and putting him back to bed when he’s done eating). Samuel has for the most part begun sleeping through the night (4-5 hours of sleep straight is what our no cry sleep book tells us is “through the night), but last night he had a bad night, perhaps because he had his 2 mo. shots yesterday.
I feel guilty, not because Josh has said or done anything to indicate I should, about what our pregnancies have cost him. Obviously the biggest loss being the opportunity to know his first-born son. But beyond that, they have stolen from him the opportunity to enjoy his dissertation and the writing process. I’m not having the best time either, but I know that if it were necessary, I could be happy doing something else. I will plug away, for the reasons I’ve listed before, and because I realized the other day as I walked the library stacks that I can love this life, if only I can jump this final hoop. But I could enjoy another life. Not Josh – he wants this more than I do by far. He’s an intellectual; I’m a pedagog. I’d prefer to teach at the college or university level, but I could be very happy at a community college. I just want to sit with young adults in a classroom and talk history.
Josh has a lot of work ahead of him between now and late April. I’m confident he can do it, and hopeful that I can help.
As for myself, I am committed to a complete first draft of my diss by August 15th. And then I will hopefully teach, revise, and go on the market in the fall.