Such as it is; A Probable Sign Out

We are working on getting Samuel to sleep longer at night, but still there are few moments where I’m more at peace than during our nighttime feedings. Watching him eat in the side lying position, with one of his little hands clenched in a loose fist while the other gently pats my breast, his eyes shut and his mouth letting out the occasional contented sigh, I am happy, completely. Those moments are just Samuel and me, alone, without even my ghosts.

There are other moments where Samuel and I are not alone, where thoughts of Natan enter, but I do not break down. I put a few songs on Samuel’s bedtime CD that remind me of my other pregnancy, and I hug him a bit tighter but the sadness stays at the edges.

——————————–

The above is only one of many many incomplete drafts I have written and saved. I didn’t get dressed today until past 1pm. In fact, from 11am to 1pm I was wandering our house without a shirt because Samuel had spit up on it and I’d tossed it off and then couldn’t make it to the closet to put on a clean one. I suppose I could have, but catching up on email, trying to make WordPress load when the server was apparently down, making a necessary phone call, and rocking Samuel to sleep for a nap took priority. Yes, I often rock Samuel to sleep. I know that may be setting myself up for trouble later but really I enjoy the way he looks up into my eyes as he drifts off so much that I let him do it at least for one nap a day. Now I have taken my 4 hour slot of work time off to complete other tasks, like thank you notes and this blog post.

Josh and I are under so much pressure to finish our dissertations. Seriously. Yes everyone is always under pressure and we’ll have less time when we’re faculty, but Samuel will also be older and we’ll have more access to help. I have basically taken the past 9 months off and since I am only taking an extra 4 months to finish, I have to play catch up. Blog time either comes out of work time or Samuel time or couple time, since that’s what I have right now. It has become a burden that I worry about because if I’m going to do this at all, I want to do it well. Something has to give in my life, and sadly at least for now this blog has to be it. I will keep commenting – and hopefully those comments won’t be the half-assed sentences I dash off in an attempt to write something of my own that will inevitably end up in the draft file, indefinitely unpublished. I will miss writing but it’s just more than I can do to maintain this blog right now.

I am not complaining. Life is good. I remember some post last spring where I wrote that people who think it’s hard to work with a baby should try working without the baby. That’s still true. It was much much harder last spring without a baby. The endless open slots of time, with nothing to do but stare at the screen. That was impossible. Working now is easy. An absolute breeze in comparison. Now when I find myself distracted while working, longing to hold my babies, I can just wait until it’s time to go home and find one of them there waiting.

I won’t say my permanent good byes. In late April/early May, if Josh finishes and we find we can relax a bit, or in August, if I have indeed managed to finish a complete draft, I’ll try to come back.

Until then, much love to you all, and thank you so much for getting me through.

I’ll leave you with a picture of Samuel looking like a super hottie baby at his grandma’s house, and the back of my head, enjoying her super comfy couch and enormous TV with a gazillion channels.

samuel-in-tie-dye-smaller.jpg

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20 responses to “Such as it is; A Probable Sign Out

  1. Take care. I will miss you.

    (he is ADORABLE!)

  2. Well, that was bound to come. A baby is a big time adjuster, he just is.

    Anyways, it’s not like I’m going to delete you from my Google Reader, so even if you load up a picture of Samuel, say hi OR whatEVer, once every blue moon, I’ll be sure to check in, my friend.

    For now, take care. I am so happy that Samuel and you are so VERY healthy.

  3. Yeah, well I’m echoing Thrice here, you will still be on my bloglines, and you could upload a photo once in awhile? Pretty please?

    Otherwise I’ll wait patiently until you come back.

    And I do hope you’ll come around my place once in awhile? Just to say hi!

  4. Ditto about bloglines. Would love to see a Samuel pic whenever you get the time. Good luck on the dissertation.

  5. Happy dissertating, and good family time to all of you.

  6. Sorry to see you go, but it’s very understandable. I wish you breathing room whenever possible, and not just because that may mean you come back.
    Samuel is a cutie, but I knew that.
    And yes, you are in my reader, so if you write it, I will read.

  7. sweetie.

    you have your breath now…your miracle baby. You can focus a little better and this is a good thing! I wish you luck with your dissertation. I will check in on you still. Samuel you are such a beautiful little luv bug!

  8. Like everyone else, I’m keeping you in my Reader. Wishing you only the best. Do post pics of that baby every once in awhile, at least!

  9. i will miss you and your voice, but i’ve felt like maybe this was coming for awhile…we’ll be here, whenever you have that minute or two to throw pics up, at least.

    be well. write well. enjoy that beautiful boy and the sleep you’re (sometimes) getting.

  10. Like everyone else, I’ll miss you, your posts, your ideas, your point of view. But I’m hoping that, eventually, in one way or another, you’ll be back. Take care of yourself and your family. I’ll be thinking of you.

  11. OK, go be a good girl & do your work! And i agree with everyone else, post a pic now & again too!

  12. Awww, we’ll miss you. (Can you email me dissertation deets? Would also offer services as a reader, if you’d like. I don’t mind. Would keep my foot in the door intellectually, too.) I can’t imagine trying to finish my dissertation with a baby, but then again I can’t imagine being where I am now anyway, so what the hell do I know. Easier with baby? Point taken. I wish you and spit up and Word footnotes well.

  13. I’ll miss your postings, but I totally understand. Good luck with the dissertation and I hope to keep on seeing you in real life đŸ™‚

  14. I will miss you too. Best of luck with the dissertation. And I hope that you do come back. I’ll leave you in my google reader, for sure.

  15. Well, I totally understand this. And I am not working on a dissertation. You are right though, I would much rather try to get stuff done with the baby, than without. I know the without and it is horrible.

    As for your story on being shirtless, um, do you have cameras in my house? That sounds like a typical day to me.

    Enjoy rocking Samuel. They are only babies for a short time, so live it up!

  16. take care and i will miss you. thanks for sharing that gorgeous photo. good luck with the dissertation. hugs to you!

  17. Good luck and hope you make it back soon!

  18. your blog has gotten me through many a dark day. it has made my heart hurt, it has made me laugh & cry. you will be missed. being a mother is a full time job, so anything you dare to fit in with it saps up time you feel you don’t have. Enjoy your family and do what you need to do, we’ll all be here waiting and thinking of you.

  19. I just don’t know that I can say goodbye. So I won’t. I’ll keep checking and hoping that every once in awhile there might be a word or two from you.

    I’ll miss you.

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