For the first time in a long time I set a goal for myself today and met it. It was a small goal, get from 16.5 to 20 full pages. By 5:00 I was onto page 22 and thus could spend the evening not feeling like a slacker. I still am behind on the chapter considering I’ve been hoping to produce 5 pages of rough prose per work day, but I have to start from where I am. Of course tomorrow I have “off” because it’s my day to hang out with Baby Man. Lately I’ve been feeling the nagging of work even when I’m home with him. Maybe tomorrow, having been productive today, I can feel almost completely free of guilt. I say almost because really, I could have written more had I not been so easily distracted.
My mom sent me a virtual greeting card yesterday. I was scared to open it because sometime around now was Natan’s due date. I don’t remember exactly. I was afraid for a moment that she did and that it was yesterday. Not that I would expect her to remember or act on that thought. But still I couldn’t imagine why else I would get a card on a random Tuesday. So I open it and it was for Passover. A bit late, sort of, but since it’s still Passover not too bad. Although she doesn’t usually send a card for Passover so I’m wondering still if she was thinking something else when she sent it. It would be very nice of someone to remember and to tell me they’re thinking of me, but lately I haven’t felt up to talking about grief and Natan. I never thought having Baby Man would make up for losing Natan, but sometimes, to be honest, I wish it would.
I am drinking “Mother’s Milk” tea this evening. I am not sure what’s going on with Baby Man, but since I’ve been working more and pumping more, he’s been getting very crabby while eating. Both on my breast and with the bottle, but more often with the former. I am constantly just one feeding ahead of him with the milk, and so JJ has had to come up to campus in the middle of the day to pick some up. For awhile I was a few feedings ahead, but he must be having a growth spurt because he’s suddenly wanting more. It’s probably a crock (the tea), but I’m hoping to pick up the supply again. I’ve been pumping after every feeding, but he cleans me out so thoroughly I can get less than an ounce from each post-feed. Apparently this is my long-winded way of asking for advice. I’ve looked online, but thought some wisdom from smart women I like might be more helpful.