Deep Breaths

Can I do this task? Can I rejoin the blogging world? Should I? I am full of excuses.  I am thankful to the very few people who will still read this post, for getting me through the year almost two years ago now, or for being happy for me that Baby Man arrived safely.

But you know how when your baby dies you find strength to get through it, and function daily, as in you breath in and out, don’t or do always eat, don’t or do always sleep? Add to that a living baby, a need to sit in front of the computer at every spare moment and clunk out a dissertation, a need to get out job applications, and a need to be a halfway decent wife and real-space friend? Some people would manage beautifully, and still continue to support the people who supported her, but not me. I crashed. Hard.

What with teaching on my own for the very first time, trying to be on the academic job market for the very first time, three ear infections (Baby Man’s), one upper respiratory infection (Baby Man’s), a sinus infection (mine), pneumonia (Baby Man’s), stomach flu (Baby Man’s, mine, my husband’s), a near deadly dental-floss eating habit (Tom cat’s), I just hit a point where I couldn’t think long enough beyond necessary tasks to even complain online. You can imagine, as well, the mood between the adults in the house for much of the time.

But through it all, I was ok. Because at least no one died. I remember a long way back when I mused that one of the most painful parts of having your baby die was the emptiness, the nothing-to-do in a time that should have been the most exhausting, busiest time of your life. That, I tell you, is so, so true. Even Baby Man’s hackiest, snottiest, pukiest night was more tolerable than the old silence.

And I re-entered the social real-space world. It’s a rough fall for most of my friends here, in grad school. We are all on the market in a scene where up t0 1/3 of the jobs we’ve applied for have vanished, many are downgraded. And we’re competing against one another for those few that are left. I’m doing alright so far, job-front wise. Scary times, though, as even the old option of just sticking around our department won’t work anymore, as it has for cohorts in the past.

When I say crashed, I mean turned inward, could only focus on the people and things right in front of me. Couldn’t find the energy to remember the sadness on this blog for long. Natan entered my thoughts everyday, but he couldn’t stay long enough for me to type a post.

Perhaps now that I’m done teaching and onto the revisions process of my dissertation I’ll find time to write again. I don’t know though.

At the very least, Baby Man deserves a birthday post. He’s the greatest.

I wanted to make my F*#@book status: “Beruriah’s heart came back to her a year ago today,” on the 14th, but I chickened out. I just couldn’t open that door. But I will try to tell you all about it later this week.

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7 responses to “Deep Breaths

  1. Oh, the silence- I hate it. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore because I can’t sit still long enough to watch TV. Good luck on the job front, it is scary out there. And funny you mentioned the FB status thing…I was going to change mine to say something like remembering Hannah but I chickened out too. There’s too many “friends” that just aren’t friends on there and I felt weird sharing it….

  2. “Couldn’t find the energy to remember the sadness on this blog for long.”

    The great thing about a blog is that you can archive the old stuff and not look at it if you don’t want to. Each day is a new entry…a blank slate…whatever you want it to be (for the most part). Personally, I’ll keep reading whatever you write because there are so few of us moms after loss around…it’s nice to be able to compare notes. :o)

    I’m glad life is treating you well (for the most part). Sorry Baby Man has been sick…I hope you’re all feeling better now.

  3. It’s great hearing from you- whatever you want to say.

    My blog is not what it was when I began. In the beginning, I had a lot to say about Molly and Joseph, grief and loss in general. Even though it had been a few years since their death, I had a lot of pent up thoughts and emotions that needed to come out. I am feeling that less and less and find myself needing to write about them less and less. I don’t think about them less, but there are fewer thoughts that I need to put out there for all the world to see (so to speak). (And how many times can I say ‘less’ in on paragraph??)

    I think I have fewer readers now that my blog is more focused on the living, but that is okay with me. I can completely understand why some babyloss mamas wouldn’t want to read about my living children. I didn’t start it for the idea of attracting readers anyway. The few that I have are just a bonus.

  4. Oh! I forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Baby Man. What a happy day it was when he came into the world. 🙂

  5. Happy Birthday, Baby Man!

    And nobody does all the stuff you are doing in the past year without bashing around and teeth gnashing and general lack of time to blog. All things considered, you sound like you are doing great.

    Write when you can, and otherwise don’t sweat it.

  6. I’m not on the market, but I can say affirmatively I know *exactly* what you mean.

    Happy Birthday Baby Man! And hey — blog when you can. No pressure, but know there are people who love to read you, whenever. Love to all of you, sounds like a rough while.

  7. Happy birthday baby man! Let’s see a picture of you at one then!
    You are a VBP (Very Busy Person), no need to apologise on here.

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