Monthly Archives: March 2010

I haven’t told this blog how grumpy I’ve been

Baby Man absolutely lost his mind this morning over leaving the park.

He loves the park, and the Friends he sees there. I capitalize Friends because apparently Baby Man is some sort of ultra-liberal Quaker. He calls any collection of people Friends, and refers to anyone whose name he doesn’t know as Friend. He particularly loves any opportunity to see or meet New Friends. The entire ride to the park he will call out, “I coming Friends! I coming New Friends!” and then when he arrives he runs as fast as he can towards the equipment and circles around greeting everyone, “Hi Friend, Nice day, I Baby Man.” This morning he really, really wanted to go to the park. It’s a bit of a gray day, but at first it wasn’t terribly cold, so I figured, we’d try a short trip. First disappointment: no friends of any kind were there. Not even any dogs, although there was a sign of a recent visit on the sidewalk. Second, the slide was sopping wet. Actually, that wasn’t a disappointment for him because he tried to climb it anyway, had fun but got very wet. Which became a problem (for me) five minutes later when the wind began to blow and the temperature palpably dropped. Which led to the third disappointment because I began to herd  Baby Man towards the car. He wanted to wait longer for more Friends. I of course won the debate and we went home. But he had a full-scale screaming crying kicking fit.

We came home, fit continued. I pulled off his wet pants, put on dry ones, and decided he needed a time out upstairs. He asked for snuggles so we sat in the glider and I sang him a song about his sad morning. This isn’t where I meant to go with this post.

Yet, anyway, as we were rocking there, talking/sing songing about rainy days and not getting to see Friends, I thought about Control. I am damn sick of gray cold days, too, even though we now live somewhere that has far fewer of them than our old home. On Friday morning, when I had to leave the house before sunrise, there was snow on the ground. Snow! I trudged through it, cranky and rebelling at first, but eventually cheered up by the birds singing loudly in the trees on my way. Then I had my coffee, and was greeted by my actually pleasant 8am class. My cranky 9am’ers made me crash a little, but the snow was gone by the time that class was over and I was glad. Overall, I’m getting good at this finding something happy to hold onto and moving with it.

I’m hoping though, that soon there won’t have to be so much pushing through.

Promises Promises

My dear friend over at this place has been talking about legacies. In all honesty, I left behind the idea that Natan needed a legacy years (!) ago. I have found given my disappointments in life that I need to accept my insignificance to function. I know that is contrary to so much of what we say so often, but it works. I grew up an overachiever, thinking I could and would, save the world. I had determined, in this modern-day culture of fame worship, that when Emerson was talking about “Representative Men,” he was talking about me.

Forget that. I am one little soul, and Natan was one littler one. He died before he had the chance to live, and I have no idea where he went from there, other than to the ground. He matters certainly, but it’s beyond me to determine how and why. I’m done trying, because that, I think, would leave me stagnant. I won’t ever be satisfied; I can’t make a grand enough legacy for my dead son to satisfy me. That doesn’t mean I don’t think of him, that his death hasn’t left me more humble and compassionate, that I won’t contribute to causes.

His death has left me discontent, but I’m moving forward. I miss him, but not all the time. I’m human and most of the time I’m thinking about that–working, sleeping, eating, playing, writing, talking, drinking coffee, and so on. It’s okay, it really is.