In addition to history, I teach culture. I am trying to introduce my students to ways we can look at the world around us critically. I try to do it honestly, but still making it clear that I have no interest in teaching them what to think. Rather, I want them to learn to think. To question. To trust themselves. It’s a funny role, because I increasingly doubt my own ability to do the same things. I think that, once I come to trust myself better, that will actually be a strength. I don’t trust myself right now because nothing has worked out as I planned. I planned for Natan. He died. I did not plan for Baby Man. I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers in hope, and jumped right in. He is here.
If I’d listened to some of the anonymous commentators on this blog 3 years ago, when I first announced my pregnancy with him (think all those comments are gone, so don’t go looking), he should have been born too skinny because I am a vegetarian, he should have been born sad and neurotic, because I was sad and neurotic during my pregnancy. He should have been born early, because you know, I was convinced he would be. Instead, he was born big, on his due date, and “sad” isn’t really a word that applies to his personality. Neurotic, well that could still be coming.
I am feeling on the edge of something new, and wanting to get there. I’m pondering constantly over my new realization that I’m completely insignificant. I’ve felt this in the past, in a negative damaging way. Now I’m learning to like it, to be at peace with it. To let myself feel it, and to see what I can do with it. I’m not insignificant to my family and friends. This I know. But this is all I’ve got. Me, my family, this life. It is, and has to be enough.