In the morning

In addition to history, I teach culture. I am trying to introduce my students to ways we can look at the world around us critically. I try to do it honestly, but still making it clear that I have no interest in teaching them what to think. Rather, I want them to learn to think. To question. To trust themselves. It’s a funny role, because I increasingly doubt my own ability to do the same things. I think that, once I come to trust myself better, that will actually be a strength. I don’t trust myself right now because nothing has worked out as I planned. I planned for Natan. He died. I did not plan for Baby Man. I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers in hope, and jumped right in. He is here.

If I’d listened to some of the anonymous commentators on this blog 3 years ago, when I first announced my pregnancy with him (think all those comments are gone, so don’t go looking), he should have been born too skinny because I am a vegetarian, he should have been born sad and neurotic, because I was sad and neurotic during my pregnancy. He should have been born early, because you know, I was convinced he would be. Instead, he was born big, on his due date, and “sad” isn’t really a word that applies to his personality. Neurotic, well that could still be coming.

I am feeling on the edge of something new, and wanting to get there. I’m pondering constantly over my new realization that I’m completely insignificant. I’ve felt this in the past, in a negative damaging way. Now I’m learning to like it, to be at peace with it. To let myself feel it, and to see what I can do with it. I’m not insignificant to my family and friends. This I know. But this is all I’ve got. Me, my family, this life. It is, and has to be enough.

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7 responses to “In the morning

  1. This is a tough one for me right now…but I think I understand.

  2. I fully understand. Nothing I planned has ever worked as planned. Normal daughter … normal son … lifelong marriage … but, alas, happiness is still found, just not where nor how planned.

    In the end, it’s all insignificant, no? Hold on to that you can reach, and the rest will be.

  3. I think I understand. It does seem that you are coming to some kind of peace. And, you are significant, to me at least. But I know what you mean. This idea of trusting oneself…I struggled for a long time to trust. Now, it seems, I trust almost no one. Perhaps that is where my anger comes from, and the sadness or disappointment. But that is my sh*t to figure out.

    I have to say, juxtaposing the word “sad” next to Baby Man makes me laugh out loud. Joy is the only word that comes to mind for me.

  4. I’m with my wife on this one. Baby Man is the personification of joy.

  5. I meant to say, as far as “significance”, I think that has a lot to do with coming to peace. Not simply recognizing and accepting, but, well, knowing. I don’t know, but there is a difference there.

    Sorry for the extra post.

    S

  6. usually, yes about the joy, but right now I’m trying to get him dressed and out the door….

  7. I get it. Beautifully said.

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