easier than I thought

Some news today. My liver’s fine, but my spleen is enlarged. So, I have the opposite of what the tech said, but she’s not a doctor and an enlarged uterus affects shape in there. The spleen is only mildly enlarged. I don’t yet have any answers about what this means, because I haven’t talked to the doctors about it. Yet at least one piece of the puzzle is clearer for me.

My sister was right to go through my OB practice. I was due today for my progesterone shot. My doctor’s nurse (the one I referred to a few posts ago, whose sister-in-law and brother lost their baby) asked how I was doing. I was just honest, and told her I’m anxious because we still don’t have answers about my platelets, and that I’d gotten an ultrasound yesterday of my abdomen. Immediately, even before I finished the story, she said, “Let’s go look at these ultrasound results–but don’t tell anyone I let you see them.” She, by the way, is also the nurse I yelled at over my headache a few weeks ago, but since it turned out that that was legitimately bad, and since we talked about her brother and his wife, she’s been a great ally. So my situation’s not entirely dire. I feel so relieved that I can be myself in front of her, and not be judged unfairly. She printed out the U/S results and said she’d make sure Dr. H looks at them this afternoon, as well as the CBC results from my tests at the other doctor’s office. If Dr. H thinks this is something that can’t wait until next Wednesday, she’ll call me. So, progress, and I’m confident that if I don’t hear from them, it’s not something that demands immediate treatment or response.

A few people have written to tell me about their friends who had low platelets in pregnancy. This problem has come to light because I have an attentive OB practice, but it actually is separate from, although probably aggravated by, my pregnancy. So it’s a bit more complicated. I’ve been preparing myself to hear the worst, not because I’m a pessimist but because I haven’t really found it helpful to assume the best. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than shocked.

Even before my shot, I found it easier today to not think about my anxieties than I would have imagined when I was beside myself yesterday. That’s the benefit of letting myself get REALLY UPSET about something rather than trying to relax and not think about it. I sometimes think I must seem hysterical to those who don’t know me well (and sometimes to those who do). Yet it really does help for me to give in briefly to my worst fears, and any anger that comes with them. Losing it for a few minutes is such a release. Letting myself acknowledge that I feel hopelessness at times helps me get past it and keep going. I think I should write the Anti-Secret and or finally should at least read Ehrenreich’s Bright-Sided.

It’s obvious that my immune system is compromised. I was really pissed off to find out that signs were apparent, if minor, in 2009. Because I have been struggling with energy and have been getting colds and other illnesses more often than used to be normal for me. I had a much harder time getting over the dog bite than I should have considering I was on antibiotics. This could all be related. After the doctors in Ohio effectively dismissed me, I just accepted that it’s all situational, or emotional, that I’ve just been struggling to adjust to my new surroundings, to the stress of my first year teaching (in OH) or to the unease I have living here. I thought it was because I’d quit working out, so I started going to boot camp workouts (which actually helped a lot, but then the dog, then the pregnancy.) And my issues haven’t been constant, just enough to really irritate me and make things tough. Speaking of which, I’m really tired right now. Too tired to proofread this post. Off to rest for a few before I pick up the room in anticipation of Samuel’s arrival home.


One response to “easier than I thought

  1. Thinking of you, Sara. Hang in there. It frustrates me as well that they didn’t catch the platelet thing sooner (and I mean pre-pregnancy). I still think that a lot of doctors believe in some slightly modernized version of “hysteria” (women are complex, they are hormonally “weird,” etc). I had a thyroid issue that was misdiagnosed for years until a female doctor (at U of M hosp) said “I’ll bet you have a thyroid problem.” One blood test, a daily pill and it was better. After having been misdiagnosed once with Hepatitis C in 1995 (it was the thyroid). Ugh.

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