flat on my back

So it has arrived–partial bed rest. My cervix at my last appointment measured 3.1 cm. That’s not dire news at 23 weeks and 3 days, but it’s not great news. My doctor’s a cautious one, so there’s no reason to panic. She’s probably recommending this earlier than many would. Of course it’s upsetting though. I am hoping very much it either doesn’t change or is longer at my next appointment on Friday. I do not want to have to quit teaching. We’ve agreed that I will essentially just go to campus to teach, then come home. I’m well aware that my students will be fine without me, less confident about our checking accounts without my paycheck. We’ll figure it out, though, if it comes to that.

Of course more than that, I don’t want this baby to die. I’m plagued with anxiety about whether we’re doing enough, and with frustration that this pregnancy isn’t going nearly as smoothly as my pregnancy with Samuel. With Samuel, we had scares, of course. Yet they always turned into nothing. Seeing the 3.1 makes me worried this one won’t be the same. I resisted telling Samuel I was pregnant until he began to know something was up. Other people would make a different choice, but I just did not want him to know if we lost this baby before it was even obvious that I was pregnant. I do not want him to experience that grief, unless absolutely unavoidable.

4 responses to “flat on my back

  1. Oh, hang in there sweet baby! Much love and light.

  2. Thinking of you.

  3. Damn. Sending love from C and me.

  4. ((Hugs)) Thinking of you.

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