I suppose “holding pattern” isn’t totally accurate for describing how it feels to pass the 26-week point, because there is progress. Every day that I’m still pregnant is a good day–actually make that every week. I’m confident enough to hope for weeks and even months. We have now officially passed the gestation where Natan was born and died. My cervix measured at 3.2cm, still bordering normal. I’m to keep my activity to a minimum, hanging out on my back/side whenever I’m not teaching. It makes me a little crazy leaving so much housework, playtime, and childcare to Josh, but such is life right now. I’m also a little crazy because I’ve been on prednisone for almost two weeks now. Talk about being on edge. Thankfully, it has brought my platelets back up to just below normal. I have a few more days, and then we’ll see what happens next. He may take me off to see what happens, but not if they think I’m going to deliver. It’s a guessing game, this treatment without diagnosis.
I reassure myself that when we get to next year, when I’m no longer teaching full-time, I’ll have so much more time with Samuel and, hopefully, the baby. Josh’ll be commuting, too, so it’s good for him to get in this extra bonding time with Samuel. Or so I tell myself. I do participate, obviously, hosting Samuel on the bed for a board game, music, a show, or playtime. But it’s obviously not the same as being up and about. He’s a bit more emotional than usual right now. While I don’t think I’m all that stressed right now, it’s obviously a burden for Samuel that there’s any worry in the house at all.
I’m so greedy. I feel like I can’t accept anything other than a full-term birth for this baby. Not that my acceptance will influence anything. We got Samuel to his due date. And I realize, it’s not really greed. With Samuel, I just prayed for living baby. I couldn’t believe it when we actually got to the point where we stopped the tocolytics and the progesterone and removed the cerclage. I couldn’t believe it when doctors’ predictions (“We’ll see you in L&D in two days I’m sure!”) proved totally off-the-mark. I couldn’t believe it when Samuel was over 9 pounds and completely healthy. I feel like a hybrid mother who has no idea what lies between “dead” and “healthy.” And I really don’t want to know anything but more healthy.
That was a good rant. My next appointment isn’t for 2.5 weeks. Here’s hoping for more monotony.