new outcomes, better feelings

Today was a damn good day. Firstly, I woke up decently well rested. Since the PUPPS rash began showing itself in early May, I have hardly slept a night. So not sleeping has become a familiar misery. The rash is now a bit better, but not totally gone and according to the lactation consultant, it may get worse again for awhile because of breastfeeding. I will not let this itching make me stop; I’ll manage. Last night I slept for a good 5 hours in 2.5 hour chunks, though, so while I’m pretty exhausted now towards the evening, I’m pretty content too.

That in no way explains why it was a good day though–it was a good day because we overcame another big hurdle–the jaundice risk. Samuel had to be hospitalized in the NICU after one night home with us. My parents arrived that afternoon 4.5 years ago and were completely not helpful, because they ultimately still believe breastfeeding is ridiculous when there’s formula in the world. So I remember being driven crazy and encouraged to formula feed even as I was terrified and exhausted. So Saturday afternoon, when Jonah decided sleeping was better than eating, I felt like the floor was being yanked out from underneath me. I was trying not to tell my dad about my anxiety; Josh, Samuel and my mom were out. But then my dad said something about Jonah being a good sleeper, and I got a bit cranky. Then he told me I was eating cereal from birth and I could hear the accusation and judgment. Ugh. Stressful.

I went to our bedroom and had a total meltdown. That seemed to work–Jonah woke up and ate. Phew. But now I was nervous again. Would he get jaundiced? Was he losing too much weight? And why the hell won’t I stop itching? Yesterday was better; he ate a lot. But last night and this morning I began to suspect he was a bit yellow.

This morning we had a weigh in and the lactation consultant noted he was a little yellow. But he’s the same weight he was when he left the hospital, and down just 6% from birth (up to 10% by today would have been okay). The doctor recommended a bilirubin test, just to be careful given our history. It came back well below the upper limit. I felt so insanely relieved, I told Josh I wanted a celebration. I can do this.

3 responses to “new outcomes, better feelings

  1. If it’s nice tomorrow (it’s not here, wah) go and breastfeed him outside and get him a little Vit D. That helps too, not to mention gets you out of the house away from the “Just feed him a damn Snickers” crowd.

    Wish I could help with the sleep part.

  2. Did it. Sat on our porch for awhile and pretty much fed him all day. I’m anxious for his next weigh in tomorrow.

  3. {{hugs}} breathe breathe through the anxiety. It is so very hard to have the anxiety: I understand, have been there. I hope the itching has been better? And if not, that you are at least able to sleep? I was always so adamant about breastfeeding my babies, bless … Let the comments wash over you like water and carry on! Be well and take care.

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