First thing, I think I did a poor job explaining myself in the last post. I am well over my past traumas, well over them. All I meant was that I’m very familiar with how my body and my mind respond to trauma, and it irks me that in some ways my response to Natan’s death has been a familiar one. Not that it has returned me to those traumas.
I was thinking last night, as I was walking home from a friend’s house with a quarter-full bottle of Scotch, first of all that I’m quite the adult now, not afraid to walk through my neighborhood with an “open container.” I hadn’t been drinking from it, it was just the left-overs from a recent visitor and my friend hates Scotch and we like it so she sent it home with me. But I was also thinking about how when I’m out alone in the dark, I’m not afraid of any person.
I’m rather tough and trained to defend myself. But I am inexplicably afraid of vampires. Even as I know reasonably that they don’t exist. But my inexplicable fear of them is great enough that in college I developed a statistical model for why they couldn’t exist to help me overcome my fear. Nevertheless, whenever I’m outside alone after dark, I can keep myself brave until the moment I get to the door and have to fumble with my keys. Then terror overtakes me, because well, in a horror movie or book I suppose that would be the moment the monster would choose to attack the heroine.
As I was walking along thinking about that, I realized something. I realized with much more specificity why a person had annoyed me earlier in their day with her Facebook status, “J…is going to drive through the snow to visit her sister! Please pray that I make it safely.” First of all, if it’s really so dangerous out that you need Gd’s help to get somewhere, and it’s just for an afternoon of fun, shouldn’t you just stay home? I mean, really, is a social visit so important that you need divine intervention? And then, I got silly. Hey, it was snowing pretty hard the day Natan died. Maybe so many people were out unnecessarily driving on the roads to visit siblings and praying about it, that Gd couldn’t hear me above all that noise. That must be it.
I think some people think they live in a novel, and that they are the most important characters in it.
Another post, an anniversary post, on just that topic is brewing.