Out of nowhere

I can be anywhere, doing anything when it strikes. The pang. It’s less, “He’s gone,” now than, “He was here.”

We’re moving at the end of the week. It is also the second anniversary of when we conceived Natan. We were done with our various research-driven separations, and I looked forward-cautiously, tentatively-to a straightforward year of dissertating, job searching, and hopefully parenthood. We were staying with a friend, celebrating that and having a fabulous night out together with an obviously happy conclusion.

We know how that ended.

What does this have to do with the move? The last time we moved I was 6 weeks along with Natan and fearing another miscarriage. I remember my parents brought some of the (silly) purchases I’d made upon learning I was pregnant the first time. I made them take them back to their basement. Some of those objects are in our basement now. Baby Man has used and grown out of them already. They remind me as much of him as of my earlier fears.

This place is full of reminders. Sunday, upon packing a cupboard in which we stored extra stemware, I found sample bottles I must have shoved away out of fear when we registered. I think there are some free newborn diapers skulking somewhere as well. It’s not just those things. It’s the window blinds our cat broke just minutes before I felt the blood that heralded Natan’s early arrival. The bathtub I sat in while JJ helped me clean off after getting home from the hospital. The closet door in the bedroom I stared at in misery in the days afterwards. The staples in the ceiling I obsessed over during bedrest (but never did anything about).

I am relieved in a way, to be moving on. To be leaving these things behind. But I don’t know yet, what will happen when we lock the door and move out for good.

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8 responses to “Out of nowhere

  1. Good luck with the move Beruriah. I am sure it will be hard in the moment. Maybe it’s for the best to leave it behind.

  2. I couldn’t bear the idea of moving out of our house after A died, even though we had been talking about it for a long time. I am still not so much interested, and am strangely thankful to the soft housing market for the fact that it is not a realistic proposition anyway. In your case, though, I know how cramped the quarters are, and how much you need to get out of there. I am sure it will be tough. So please let yourself feel sad or anything else that comes. Just because you wanted to move, doesn’t mean you don’t get to be shaken. K?

  3. It was very hard for me to move after Nicolas died, but, well, we all get through these things, right?

    Good luck with the move.

  4. that would be hard, that move. there is so little left in any of our lives to remind us, tangibly, that they were here…to speak their stories to us in the little daily reminders kind of way. i am sorry that you need to face leaving some of yours behind.

    i can tell you, though, having gotten our house the day Finn was born and thus having moved in with only reminders of sorrow…i still, in myself, carry that pregnancy and his having been here with me. the change of space will not take more of Natan from you, in the long run…it will remain as long as you carry it.

  5. This is hard I’m sure, but you will be fine, I know.

  6. There are so many ghosts in my house, so many painful reminders, starting with what would’ve been her room (I did nothing to prepare it, thank goodness), a basement full of baby things collecting dust, containers of hastily packed maternity clothing, the shower I’ve cried in uncontrollably.

    And yet I can’t imagine living anywhere else. I love that bathroom. I love waking up and seeing how the sun hits the landing on the stairs, I love Bella’s room (what would’ve been a playroom) with the window-seats. I love that I’m fixing up the kitchen. It hurts like hell that I don’t have two children living in this big place, but out of all the bad shit dealt me in this life, I feel so lucky to live here.

    So I’ll leave it to you and others to rid of the ghosts and tell me how that goes. Thinking of you on this move — moves are tough irregardless. With children and memories they’re that much harder to bear.

  7. good luck with the move. you’ll always have the memories of the closet door and the staples in the ceiling, no matter where you live in the coming years. perhaps you will also be able to look on your soon-to-be old place with fondness, the place where your beautiful 2nd son spent his first 8-9 months.

  8. I know. I look forward to moving to get away from those little reminders, but know that kicking up the dust will kick up memories too. Sorry I’ve been away from blogland for awhile. Starting school/work again has been consuming, along with Baba. I love the Baby Man nickname. 😛

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