Just in case you were wondering

Samuel and the cats like each other just fine.

Lingering, Neglect

I think it was about fifteen weeks into my pregnancy with Natan that my left hip started hurting, bad. Dr. M said it was round ligament pain, and I accepted that explanation. It was about two days into my hospital bedrest with Natan that the pain in my left hip became excruciating. The nurses said it was to be expected. After my labor with him, it hurt even more. Upon leaving the hospital, everything ached, and I was ok with that - because it was a physical proof that something bad had happened. The pain was intermittent, I don’t remember how often. It returned more regularly and in full force later in my pregnancy with Samuel, and when Dr. K asked about pain, I just said, “oh, just some round ligament pain like before.”

At physical therapy yesterday, I discovered my pain is not caused by a pulled or torn ligament. Rather, my hip is dislocated. And has been for a long, long time. Long enough that all of the muscles nearby are so atrophied that my left leg was quite a bit shorter than my right and she could tell just by looking at my leg. I am very strong (normally). She bent my right leg and said to resist her pushing. She couldn’t make it move at all. Same thing, left leg. She barely touched me and my leg collapsed. How have I not noticed that happening?

“Goodness,” she said, “With your pelvis like that, labor must have really hurt.” She called over another therapist who went over me as well, and they both wondered how I had possibly managed to walk around for so long, but then the first therapist answered all of our questions.

“Mothers often neglect self care.”

I’ll say.

Josh defended!

I have been especially absent of late because it’s been a stressful, busy few weeks but it’s been for a good cause. Josh has now completed and defended his dissertation!

The defense went really well. They loved it. And I can say this for sure because I was there, dutifully taking notes.

Hopefully I will find time for a substantive post soon. There are a few incomplete ones in the draft queue.

For the moment I am getting ready to leave the house for physical therapy for my hip pain that was supposed to have been round ligament pain during pregnancy but was apparently actually a torn or pulled ligament.

What do you say when…

What do you say when someone in a position of authority over you tells you s/he has a “Great” idea for you, just fabulous, s/he’s going to do it her/himself and proceeds to detail something you already did, that was your idea in the first place? It’s not something of official importance, or career making/breaking. Just another annoying example of how certain people never actually pay attention to what you’re saying/doing/writing.

Samuel’s teeth

Josh: I’ve been trying for awhile to capture his barely existing teeth since they’ve been barely existing, and this is the best I could do.  I think you can see them.

Better late

From Glow in the Woods, 6 x 6 (a series of 6 questions they’ve posted for us to answer, and have answered themselves).

1 | In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?

Before - young. After - worn.

2 | How do you feel around pregnant women?

Even when I have Samuel with me, I feel somewhat like a poseur. As if, if they knew the truth about me, they’d run in fear or disgust.

3 | How do you answer the ‘how many children’ question?

Apparently right now, if it’s someone who’s anything more than a stranger on the street, I will say, “Well, we have Samuel and we had a son who died at birth before.” Strangers, I don’t know. It entirely varies. I have just said, “No,” when someone I’ll never see again has asked, “is he your first?”

4 | How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?

I already mention “your brother” to Samuel in passing, and two weeks ago we sat together next to Natan’s grave and I talked about him. Of course, Samuel cannot yet understand but I hope I’ll be strong enough to continue when he can. And I hope it won’t be a burden to him.

5 | What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?

I am not sure if we will try again. My hope is that if it happens, while I’ll never be carefree and pregnant, that I could be more relaxed during a prospective next time because I know that in theory, I can bring a healthy baby to term. It’ll be hard though, and I would worry a lot about my ability to care for Samuel during it. That would be my primary reason not to try again, because I don’t want to hurt him.

6 | Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

When I first read this question, I thought it said, “your past self the day before your baby died.” My immediate reaction was, “My Gd, no, I don’t want to talk to her. Let her have one last day of hope.” Or the possibility that I could have changed something, that’s too much to bear.

As it is really written, I still don’t want to whisper to her. It’s not as if it’s “alright,” now–I don’t want to tell her that. I don’t want to give her advice. I don’t want to tell her about Samuel, well, because those early days of mourning are Natan’s. I wouldn’t want to encourage her to think of the future at all.

An easy way to feel good about yourself

Take the train.

Although in the past 18 months I’ve taken only 1 flight, and Josh 3, in a usual year we take many many more than that. This summer we need to go east for a seminar for me, and to see Josh’s grandfather at the same time. I so wanted to take a train, but the only way we can do that is to take a bus to a train leaving at 4am. I tried to psych myself up for it, but really, when I think about what time we need to leave home, only to take a bus for 45 minutes, and then still have to get on a train….with a will-be-then 6 month old baby, I get grumpy. Flights are so expensive, not to mention bad, and we’ll need a car anyway. So we’re going to drive, and we’re going to get a rental because my old car is getting very bad with the gas mileage, and something is happening with the sealing on the doors I think because it’s also getting very loud in the interior when we drive on the highway.

We are both desperate for a relaxing vacation. We can go to Florida for free-Josh’s stepdad is going to give us some free tickets he has and we can stay in his mom’s condo. Flights are bad, I know, but we’re going. Maybe someday we’ll rent a cabin or something in a closer-to-home place, but the appeal of FREE tickets and FREE housing is too great to resist.

So even as I’ve been daydreaming about eco-friendly vacations, I now have two big gas-guzzling trips planned.

Third necessary trip this summer - I need to go to my hometown to see my nieces and nephew. The first weekend in June my niece has a dance recital and she wants me to attend. Josh can’t go. He defends his dissertation less than a week later. So driving the 300 miles is just not an option at all. I will not be in the car alone with Samuel for that long. My conscience kicked in this time, and I bought a train ticket. It’ll take considerably longer, but I feel good about it.

I know this is rather a boring post, but I’m wondering, are any of you changing your travel habits this summer? If yes, is it because of the cost of gas? or a growing concern for the environment?

Two teeth!

Some crabby nights the past few days. Suddenly this morning we have two teeth! Two teeth at only 5 months 9 days! Not unheard of at all I know.

I hope he’s not a biter.

from google

I get lots of hits from people apparently trying to get information about preterm labor. Often they don’t include any words to indicate emotions, so I don’t know if it’s just about a concern, or true diagnosis, or if it’s for themselves, or a friend, or a loved one.

Today somebody came to my site today via a google search of “preterm labor feel failure.” If you come back, I’m so sorry. Please know you’re not a failure.

No free ice cream here

Feel free to comment that i am an ass after this post (and excuse the typos, I was pumping but if I don’t just hit publish after the most cursory of edits it will sit in draft form forever).

But first congratulate me. I have only one chapter left to write plus the intro and conclusion. I finished my second to last chapter monday, although finished is a loose term. it is the definition of a rough draft. I hope my advisers will forgive me, but i am making great progress in shedding forever my inner and outer overachiever.

I have been watching big love, an hbo series about a polygamist family. I have no desire to gain a sister wife, but somehow the show is making me come to grips with my residual yearning for a big family. My best friend in late elementary school came from a mormon family. she had 3 brothers and sisters when we met, 4 and 5 by the time they moved away. I loved going to their house. loved it. Their mom was the ideal mother in my heart - completely the opposite of mine. All fun and free hugs.

I have come to terms with my mom’s personality (somewhat, sometimes). She is not a hugger. To this day it is awkward and uncomfortable whenever she hugs hello and goodbye. Perfunctory, a maternal convention. I am sure she would think I am letting samuel control me if she ever witnessed how much I hold him and carry him around. Not Mrs. T. She was all hugs and kisses all the time. Even for me. I remember vividly one evening, when her daughter and I were in sleeping bags in her living room and I was sad because a certain Kevin with red hair didn’t like me, that she promised me one day some boy out there would appreciate my high cheek bones, and that it was ok, really, that I had gotten my period already. My mom would have never taken me seriously, and dealing with my period was all awkwardness and avoidance. Really, she is a good mother in other ways, but these areas were just not hers.

I want to be that other mom in addition to my mom’s good traits. I want my house to be the one all the kids want to come to, and to be the mom my child/ren and their friends can talk to. I loved the chaos of the Ts’ child-centered home.

Anyway. i will not have 6 children. I may not even ever have two living children. I suck for lamenting that already when here I am with my living child. I am incredibly lucky. But I am only human and I have been very sad sometimes these past few weeks about it. Not all the time, but enough that I need to vent.

It is spring and in this town that means there are pregnant women all over. I was standing on a corner the other day and realized that there were 6 other women in sight and all of them had visible pregnant bellies. My heart twisted, even though I was standing there with my son in his stroller. That is ridiculous.

I am trying to convince all of me what my brain knows already — that Mrs. T. was not the best mom ever simply because she had 6 kids. Even if I had a uterus or a cervix that functioned well without assistance, or without a random lightning strike, I wouldn’t have had 6 children. So it’s not the large family issue. It’s the question of will I ever even have 2. That’s a question I don’t even need to think about right now, and I don’t all that often. But sometimes, sometimes already it is plaguing me.