Round and Round

I apologize if you want one of these, but I just saw a commercial for it and couldn’t help but think, “How hideous.”

Christmas Tree Dollar

I don’t understand what this coin has to do with Liberia, although it’s another fascinating piece of evidence in my ongoing interest in the historical relationship between the US and Americo-Liberians.

Wishlist: We are registered at two online stores to satisfy the non-blog family and friends, but we really don’t need anything. We know so many other little babies (especially boys) that we’re all set just from hand-me downs. What I’m really wishing for at the moment is a bit of relief from a hellish case of sciatica. Any advice beyond an appointment with a chiropractor or a masseuse since there’s likely not time for that while I’m still pregnant? I walked maybe 6 (short, not city) blocks yesterday and you’d have thought I ran a marathon what from the panting and muscle aches. Last night I had to hold on to walls and furniture to walk. I think I’m gonna invest in Pee Wee Pilates & some post-partum yoga DVDs after the baby is born. I’m too scared to buy them or sign up in advance. I just have to sigh when I think of my months and months of pre-pregnancy working out. I’d like to think I’d be even worse off had I not been so diligent.
We have snow. Yesterday we had ground cover, but the morning sun melted much of it. Snow reminds me just how very close we are getting to the end of the year, and how I have spent most of this year on this couch where I sit now. I am sad as I think of Natan’s little grave being covered in white yet again, and grateful that he is in an easy place to locate in the cemetery. We are less than one month away now from the anniversary of when I entered the hospital.

Yet I am glad for the passage of time, and acutely aware of how privileged I am among us to have that comfort. I am hopeful that, even as I will never live without this pain and grief, happier times are on their way. That while I’ll always be Natan’s mother, mother of a dead baby, I will also get to be the mother of a living child. I want to be his chauffeur, his tutor, his teacher, everything. I hope he keeps me up at night, and tires me out with endless questions. While I know parenthood isn’t easy, I hope I never forget, ever, for a second that it can’t possibly be as difficult as the path we took to it.

But mostly right now I just wish he would get here already.

My dead baby nightmares are fewer and farther between than earlier in the pregnancy, but not gone. I’ll spare you all the details, but last night I dreamt that Josh and I had sex, and afterwards I pulled a bone out of my va.gina.
Like so many of my other dreams, it needs no interpretation.

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9 responses to “Round and Round

  1. Oh, what a horrible dream. I can’t offer any words of comfort except to say, you are not alone. I just tried to write some of my fears on my post today, and I barely scratched the surface of what I am really feeling every day.

    I like what you said about parenthood not being easy, but hoping never to forget the path to get there. I too, hope for the same thing. I hope, one day, when my living child is making me pull out my hair, I remember to be glad she is here to do so.

    And yes, you would be worse off had you not pre-pregnancy worked out. I was fit when pg. with M, and started this pregnancy very, very unfit. I am physically miserable.

  2. I am jealous of the snow. But not of the sciatica or the waiting around. Hope it happens soon.

  3. each paragraph resonated in a different way…but all, even the awful dream, speak to me of the healing you’re doing and how ready you are for this next step, this bringing home a living baby.

    and i hope it’s soon!

  4. ” I hope I never forget, ever, for a second that it can’t possibly be as difficult as the path we took to it.”

    It’s not. Believe me. Parenting a live baby is a cakewalk.

    Try moist heat on the lower back. The worst it could do is send you into labor, and hey! Who cares about that, right?

  5. Thanks so much for the link to the Friends of Liberia Christmas Tree Dollar!!! Now I know what everyone on my Christmas list will be getting. ; )

  6. You’re welcome Niobe – the best thank you would be a photo of everyones’ faces as they open it.

  7. Oh the waiting….I know you probably don’t want to be walking around, I know its hard work when you get to where you are in pregnancy. But, I have to suggest that maybe it will be things moving along? Perhaps some acupuncture? (or Josh could do acupressure on your feet and ankles)

    There is also:
    Eggplant parm
    Spicey Indian Food
    A bumpy car ride
    Castor Oil
    Blue and black cohosh
    Making Love!

  8. Sciatica does better when you get the baby out.

    If you can’t do that—can you stretch doing some lunges?

    Google image search gave me this:

    Scroll down & I used to do these leg lunges and some cross stretching, and it helped a bit. Also getting Josh to rub your butt.

  9. Thanks Aurelia.

    I’ve been trying to stretch some – it’s better today. But two nights ago it was so bad I had to have Josh move my leg to make it stretch. I couldn’t do it.

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